After the Rain
by writersrefinery
Summary: Set at the beginning of S14, a newly divorced Elliot returns after a year absence and tries to explain himself to Olivia. She doesn't want to hear it and a rain filled argument ensues. They discuss the painful details of their past to see if they have a future. Rated M for language and sex.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:** This chapter has been edited because I decided to continue this story past a one-shot and needed to tidy up a few things.

As a reminder this is set at the beginning of s14 after Cragen has been exonerated. There is no Cassidy hookup but everything else is canon. Hope you enjoy!

{-}

Olivia silenced her phone for the fourth time in an hour, not bothering to look at the display because she already knew who it was.

Elliot. Again.

Captain Cragen was just released from prison after being framed for murdering a prostitute and she needed to focus her attention on him, the man who had been a consistent father figure in her life and not Elliot. At least Cragen had been there for her and not disappeared for almost a year. Her and Elliot had talked briefly a week or so ago when he appeared at the precinct unannounced and his words still echoed in her head.

 _Liv, I'm sorry._

 _I had to see you._

 _Kathy and I are divorced._

 _I'm living here in the city._

 _I didn't want to involve you in my personal mess._

The look in his bright blue eyes was sincere and genuine, but she wasn't ready to get caught up again in the web of Elliot Stabler. He had consumed almost every facet of her life when they were partners. He was everything. A partner, friend, confidant and protector. But as time went on the urge to contact him became weaker and weaker until she eventually found a few moments of each day that he didn't cross her mind.

It was Elliot she had been talking to when she got the call from Cragen and used his arrest as the reason she wasn't available to take anymore of his calls. Now that the word was out that Cragen had been vindicated, he was calling incessantly again.

She sat at her desk wrapping up her DD5's when the phone rang again.

"You know you just press the green button to answer it," Nick commented with a wry grin.

Pressing the ignore button, she gave him a small smile that quickly faded and went back to work . She could feel his eyes on her and knew he wouldn't let it go. "You ok?"

"I'm fine Nick," she assured him as the phone began to ring again. Quickly she got up from her chair and walked into one of the empty interrogation rooms to take the call as Nick's eyes burned a hole in her back.

"Elliot stop this," she hissed into the phone.

"You finally answered. I figured I would wear you down," he joked trying to lighten the mood but she was having none of it.

Her palm pressed to her forehead trying to stop the raging headache that began to form. "Stop calling me. I told you we would talk when I had time."

Elliot let out a frustrated sigh. "How's Cragen?" he asked trying to switch topics.

"He's fine but I'm sure you knew that already which is why you started calling again."

The silence hung heavy between them until Elliot spoke up. "What time do you get off?"

Rolling her eyes, she immediately started reaching into her bag of excuses. "I don't know, you know things are pretty busy around here with the new Captain and everything-"

"Is that so?" he countered, not believing her for a second. "Liv if you were really busy you would've gotten interrupted by now and you wouldn't have time to sneak off to an empty room to talk."

She blinked wildly at his spot on assessment and how well he still knew her after all this time.

"Let me guess," he continued. "You are in the interrogation room. Not the one right by Cragen's office, but the one further down the hall," he added with enough inflection in his voice that she could tell he was smiling.

Her audible sigh let him know that he was right.

"I knew it."

Olivia's lips reluctantly turned up into a smile. "You are still a cocky son of a bitch."

"Some things never change."

There was relief in his voice and for the first time since he reappeared there was a little in hers too. Despite everything, there was still that sense of familiarity between and she was happy that hadn't faded.

"Have dinner with me Liv," he begged in a soft voice. _That_ voice and she felt herself caving. A crash of thunder outside followed by an onslaught of rain interrupted her train of thought. "Ill see," she said noncommittally even though she was leaning toward yes.

"What are you so afraid of?" he asked and just like that the fire in her was reignited.

 _Son of a bitch._

Reaching for the door handle, she tried to push down the heat that was trapped in her throat.

"What?!"

"What. are. you. afraid. of?" he asked again emphasizing each word.

"I'm not afraid of anything Elliot I just don't always have time to drop everything I'm doing because all of a sudden after a year you decide I'm worth your damn time," she yelled.

"That's not wh-"

"Goodbye," she hung up the phone and stomped back to her desk.

Nick was gathering his jacket about to head out but stopped once he saw her. "Everything ok?"

She took a deep breath trying to compose herself. He moved closer, looking both ways before dropping his voice. "Want to talk about it?" he whispered.

"I'm ok Nick," she murmured sitting back down in her chair. "You heading out already?"

"Yeah this weather is pretty bad and it's slow around here for once so I'm going to pick up Zara from school so she doesn't have to ride the bus. Catch ya later."

Olivia spent the next hour funneling through paperwork, attempting to concentrate but she was still fuming at Elliot and their exchange.

How dare he accuse her of being afraid? He was such an arrogant prick sometimes. What on Earth would she be afraid of?

Finally she gave up, grabbed her black leather jacket, car keys and decided to call it a day. Her vision was marred by the deluge of rain slamming against her window but she was so lost in thought she didn't notice. At every stoplight she would hold her white iPhone in her hand willing herself not to call Elliot and say something else but she wasn't in the mood to argue with him anymore. They had only talked for a few minutes and just like that she was emotionally exhausted. Turning up the radio, she drowned out her errant thoughts with some Adult Top 40 tunes that she normally reserved for her workout session.

By the time she pulled onto her block thirty minutes later and parked the car she was somewhat calmer. Olivia was surprised to see that he hadn't tried to call or text her again and she felt a slight pang of disappointment. Hoping the rain would slack a little, she sat in her car for a few minutes so she could run to the front door of her building without getting sodden.

While she waited, her mind wandered back to that first meeting with him. It had only been about ten minutes and the first five of that was small talk and awkwardness but she couldn't help but notice his appearance.

The man that had been her partner for so long was still all muscles, tall, broad and those blue eyes were still blazing. Although she could tell when she looked in his eyes that he had one hell of a year since they had been apart, he was still the Elliot that she remembered. The same Elliot that she trusted more than anyone in her life, the same Elliot that stood by her almost everyday for twelve years and as much as she hated it…the same Elliot that she was in love with for most of their partnership.

She couldn't quite pinpoint the moment it happened but one day her partner went from being just a coworker to the bar that she measured every man in her life against. No matter how many dates she went on, none of them seemed to measured up.

She scrubbed her hand down her face in frustration, tapping her fingers restlessly against the steering wheel. The rain still hadn't slacked up.

 _Shit._

Her life would be so much easier if she could just forget him. Everything was finally getting to a place of normalcy for her. Cragen's arrest and her recent breakup with David Haden aside but then there was Elliot ready to turn everything upside down again.

A drink. That's what she needed. She could curl up with a glass of red wine and the book that had been sitting on her nightstand for ages and attempt to forget about all things Stabler.

Satisfied that the rain was not going to stop she took off her jacket, put it over her head and began to jog the half a block to her front door. It was pouring so hard that she could barely make out people along the sidewalk but when the stairs of her building came into view there was a figure waiting for her that was unmistakable.

Those arms, that build, that arrogant stance.

It was Elliot.

Her jaw clenched and eyes narrowed. She dug the heels of her shoes on the concrete prepared to stand her ground.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" she shouted up at him, all sense of self preservation out the window.

"I need to talk to you Liv," he yelled back. His umbrella wasn't doing much to shield him from the downpour and he was getting soaked. He stood directly in front of the main entrance and she stayed at the bottom of the stairs. "Come on let's go inside."

"No," she insisted. "Go home!"

He rolled his eyes in frustration. "Lets just go in the lobby and talk and get out of this weather".

"If you want to get out of the rain, you can go home!"

Olivia had no intention of letting him in her building or in her apartment. She was too angry to have a rational conversation and wasn't interested in having an argument with him in her lobby for the whole building to hear. The only other option was her apartment and she couldn't let him in there. She _wouldn't_ let him in there. Being completely honest with herself she knew exactly why. She didn't trust herself in an apartment alone with Elliot, especially not a single Elliot.

"Why won't you let me in?" he asked with obvious annoyance.

When she didn't budge he came down the stairs and she backed up to put some much needed distance between them.

"Why won't you let me in? It's pouring out here. I'm not going anywhere so—"

"Why?! I told you not today. Everything can't be on your goddamn terms Elliot," she snapped back. Her chest was heaving and slowly she was forgetting that she was getting soaked.

Elliot took notice and moved closer so she could share his umbrella.

"Come on get under here," he urged, pulling her closer to him. Reluctantly she obliged. The umbrella wasn't that big and she immediately regretted her decision. He was close. Too close. She could feel the heat radiating from his body and her thighs tightened at the sight of his biceps bulging underneath his dark jacket. His jeans were beginning to stick to him and she had to swallow back the dry lump in her throat.

Jesus Christ.

This was a bad idea.

She needed to get away from him. His proximity was too much for her to handle. Her chest heaved from breathing so hard, coming into contact with his. She tried to calm herself remembering what it was like to fight with him and she needed every bit of energy that she could muster. Closing her eyes, she tried to get herself together.

"Liv," he rasped and the sound of his voice sent emotions surging through her veins. "Look at me."

She had to unwind before looking at him or she was going to lose the battle before the war even began.

"Liv," he repeated and she jerked at the feel of his hand cupping her cheek. "Please."

"What the hell are you doing?" she accused and jumped back. "I am begging you to just go home."

Olivia backed up from the umbrella and put her jacket back over her head.

"I'm not going anywhere," he countered closing the distance she just put between them.

"Fine then stay out here." Quickly she turned on her heel to run upstairs but he grabbed her arm to stop her.

"Stop this! I said I was sorry!" he shouted. "I needed to get my shit together! I was tired of you having to fix my life for me. I didn't want you to fix it!"

She jerked her arm from his grasp.

"I didn't want you to fix it," he repeated.

"If you didn't want me to I wouldn't have. I just wanted to be there for you but you wouldn't even pick up the damn phone!" she struck back. There was a flash of something in his expression but he quickly recovered.

Elliot walked closer to her and the wind blew his umbrella backwards rendering it almost useless. He threw it down on the ground in frustration almost hitting a few pedestrians along the sidewalk.

"I didn't want you to help with anything. I needed to fix my own damn life. I didn't need you telling me that letting go of my marriage was a mistake or asking me over and over again if I was sure."

"Because you aren't sure," she argued.

"Because I've been sure. I was sure when her and I separated the first damn time. That's why I changed my mind about going back. I wasn't going to go back Liv. If it wasn't for Eli-," his breath hitched and the raindrops flowed down his face. "I wasn't going to go back. And you know why."

At his admission she immediately began to dart back up the stairs.

"No!" he bellowed, running behind her. "Don't run away from me. From this."

"From what?" she yelled back. "There is no this!"

"There was something between us Liv and you know it. You knew back then," he accused and she could see his jaw flexing trying to reel in his temper.

"I didn't know anything!" she screamed.

"Yes you did Liv. You knew!" He moved closer and it fueled her anger.

"You know what I knew. I knew you got your wife pregnant. I knew when you were separated you dated _other_ women and you didn't want to sign your divorce papers. That's what I knew," she shot back and finally dropped her jacket letting the raindrops hit her. "I knew that you kissed your _other_ partner."

Elliot's eyes grew wide, lost for words.

"You don't have anything to say to that do you? I thought so," she added, proud of herself for rendering him speechless.

"Why did you run?" he asked so low that she almost didn't hear him.

"What?"

"Why did you run?" his voice grew. "While you're so busy throwing everything in my face, let's talk about you. Why did you run to Computer Crimes and to Oregon?"

She tried to think of a comeback but words failed her.

"That's how I know you knew Liv. You ran because it was happening. _This_ was happening," he gestured between them, "and there was nothing that was going to stop it," he rambled and for the first time since he'd seen her again he saw her armor start to crack. He closed the distance between them and despite the weather, he knew the water running down her face was not all rain.

"You knew Liv. It was why we barely touched each other and kept the boundaries up. It was why that fuck Porter drove me crazy or any guy that came anywhere near you."

Olivia felt her knees weaken under the scrutiny of his gaze.

She was losing the battle.

 _Dammit!_

"I thought—I thought—I didn't-," she tried to explain shaking her head in disbelief. Her words wouldn't form and her mind was a mess.

"Liv," he choked out finally getting close enough to touch her and this time she didn't recoil. "You knew. I knew. And that's when shit got complicated. I took the last year trying to uncomplicate everything in my life and I didn't want you to run."

"So you decided to run instead," she retorted.

"I didn't fucking run from you, I told you why I left!" he roared in frustration. "I love you Olivia. Do you hear that? I love you. And you can continue to argue with me and get lost in me not picking up the phone and me being an asshole and any other excuse but it's not going to change a thing. I love you. You can't change that."

His confession passed over her in waves. Excitement, confusion, disbelief roared through her veins at once and all she could think to do was fight back.

"You are-"

"I love you," he cut her off.

"Elliot I-"

"I love you. You can keep trying to say whatever you are going to say Olivia I am not going anywhere."

Olivia was stunned. The more he said it, the more she could feel the fight leaving her body. She wanted him to be just as weak as she was so she tried to dig in her treasure chest of emotional artillery to hurl back at him but it was too late.

"I-"

It happened before she had a chance to form the sentence. His lips crashed down on hers and she couldn't breathe. His lips were soft but firm. She opened her mouth to protest and he used it to his advantage slipping his tongue deeper into her mouth. Her moans goaded him on and he put one hand in her wet tangled hair to pull her closer and the other on her chin to keep her mouth open. Initially she was a passive participant but the more his hands touched her she felt her traitorous body giving in and she began to return his kiss.

His body relaxed when he felt her reciprocate, removing his hand from her chin to her lower back pulling her flush against his body. Her nipples began to harden and she felt the friction through their drenched shirts against his rock solid chest causing her to moan again.

This was Elliot kissing, touching and holding her. Her mind couldn't quite wrap around that fact. Just when her brain was trying to make sense of what was happening, he closed the last millimeter between them and she felt his desire for her hot and hard against her abdomen. The evidence that she had that kind of effect on him spurred her into action.

Olivia lifted her leg slightly brushing across his erection and he groaned in her mouth at the contact.

Everything after was a blur. Going inside, getting back to her apartment. She didn't remember how any of it happened. When her brain and vision began to function again they were in her hallway. Clothes soaked. Lips swollen.

Elliot stepped back for a brief moment to observe her and make sure this was what she wanted. Goosebumps formed on her skin, the warmth of her apartment suddenly warming her all over. Wiping the drenched hair from her face she took a deep breath and reached for the buttons on her jacket. Her eyes remained on his. His heated look gave her the confidence to keep going. The jacket dropped to the floor, water pooling at her feet. Her nipples strained against the light green satin of her blouse making the outline of her breasts visible.

His eyes dropped to her chest, taking all of her in. When he dragged his stare back to her, his eyes were almost black. His gaze was predatory, dark. "Liv," he rasped.

He stalked towards her and captured her lips again. She clawed at his clothes, desperate to feel his hot skin against hers. They both made quick work of their shoes and shirts. Her bra barely contained her ample breasts and he stopped in his tracks. Elliot stared at her, immobile. When he didn't move to undo her bra, she reached around her back to do it herself.

"No," he quickly protested, stopping her hands. "Let's go to the back."

Giving him a seductive grin, she laced her fingers with his walking him to the bedroom. His breath blew heavy on the back of her neck, his footsteps in time with the rapid beat of her heart. She wanted to take her time but her and Elliot's dynamic had always been something of a slow race.

Olivia kissed him hard, backing him up towards the bed. His knees hit the mattress and she put her arms on his shoulder gently pushing him down to rest at the edge.

Elliot exhaled as she unfastened the clasp of her bra, slowly pulling it down her arms allowing her breasts to come into view. Suffocated by his desire, he squirmed trying to control the tightening in his pants. Stranded raindrops slid slowly down her chest to her stomach as she lowered her pants, keeping her eyes trained on him. His jaw twitched with restraint.

"Jesus Christ Liv you are so fucking beautiful," he said. In an instant, he stood removing his jeans and boxer briefs and pulled her beneath him on the bed.

Olivia giggled, amused at how aroused he was but miffed that she didn't get a chance to get a good look at all of him before she was beneath him. Her laughter quickly transformed into a moan as he trailed kisses from her mouth and neck to her right breast licking and sucking. Her back arched at the sensation and she couldn't catch her breath. He was all over her, the moisture building between her legs. When his mouth started to travel lower she was embarrassed that he was about to see just how wet she was.

Elliot's fingers curved into the waistband of her black silk underwear, quickly sliding them down her long tan legs before letting them hit the floor. He was on his knees between her thighs, her body shook in anticipation. He rubbed her stomach with one hand to calm her and with the other stuck one thick digit inside her warm core.

"Shit," she moaned and heard his loud intake of air.

"You're so wet Liv," he said, kissing her inner thigh. "So wet."

"It's raining outside," she responded, her head thrashing back and forth as he added a second finger.

He chuckled softly at her attempt at explain away her arousal. "You're so wet…just for me."

Elliot paused for a moment and she used the opportunity to try and calm her breathing until she felt his hot tongue between her folds.

"Oh my god. Elliot," she screamed. The pleasure shot through her and she sat up on her elbows trying to push his head away. "El please—." The sensation was almost too much.

At her protests he flicked his tongue across her clit and she started to clench around him. He was relentless. Licking, sucking while his fingers moved in and out. The pleasure built to an unbelievable peak, her vision blurring and going white as she flew over the edge. Elliot's name rolled off her tongue bouncing off her bedroom walls.

Before she could fully come down from her high he was inside her. "Fuck," he whispered in her ear as he buried himself to the hilt. Elliot held still allowing her the chance to accommodate him.

"You ok?" he breathed, the words struggling to fall from his lips.

Olivia couldn't speak. She couldn't move, managing only to nod her head. She was trying to wrap her mind around the fact that he was inside her. After all this time, Elliot was finally inside of her. In more ways than one.

And although they had so many things to discuss, so many issues they needed to resolve right there and then, they needed to just fuck this out.

The past.

The pain.

The present.

He started to move setting a devastating pace. Her legs fell open and he took advantage placing her right leg on his shoulder while he continued to pound into her.

"Uhh that feels so good El. It's so good," she moaned. Elliot tried to keep his focus because he was so close to coming apart but he didn't want this to end.

He just needed more time. More of her.

She pulled his bottom lip between hers, sucking as he continued to thrust, creating the perfect friction. She moved her leg and began to roll them over, their lower halves remaining connected.

Olivia started her own pace, slowly rolling her hips. Elliot's face contorted, holding onto her hips trying to control her movements.

"Liv baby, you're gonna make me come," he groaned.

"Then come," she commanded and his eyes shot open and locked with hers. Instantly, he saw what she was doing. They were still fighting but this time in a different way. They were fighting for control.

"No," he growled and quickly rolled over so she was back under him. He widened his legs, which spread hers more and began to thrust harder. Each stroke connected with her clit and she felt another orgasm rising.

"Let it go."

"Unhhh," she cried out trying to will herself not to fall but she was losing the battle.

"You're so close baby," he huffed. With one shattering stroke that connected with her sensitive nub and one long suck on her breast she came around him shouting his name. He pushed into her twice more before releasing his warmth.

The room was silent except for their loud breathing. He stayed buried in her while she opened her eyes waiting for her blurry vision to fade. Once her heart rate slowed, she looked out the window noticing the sun was shining.

She was the first to break the silence. "The rain stopped," she said hoarsely.

"Yeah," he agreed sounding exhausted.

He slowly pulled out with a groan and laid out on his back next to her. Laying side by side, he watched her gazing out the window.

"Liv? Everything ok?" he asked rubbing one hand down her cheek.

"Yeah just thinking."

"About what?"

"How bad the rain was one minute and then all of a sudden it's bright and clear. It looks better outside than before. It's like it never rained," she explained wistfully.

His hand moved to her hair, caressing it as his lips lightly grazed her forehead.

In the loud silence of her bedroom surrounded by the feel of him next to her, Olivia thought about how the storm reminded her of her and Elliot. Their relationship had been a terrible storm of pain and regret after his sudden departure that she never thought they would move past it.

But that was ok.

Because just maybe they would end up somewhere better.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note:** Okay here's the continuation. In case you got the alert for this chapter and not that I edited the first one or just need to refresh your memory, please feel free to go back and read from the beginning ;) This will be a full story and won't end here. I'm not sure where I'm going with it yet but I have a few ideas. Also, be easy with Elliot. The male ego is precious and wanted to give some fresh perspective on how he may have been feeling after their lengthy split.

{-}

Weather.

Ok.

As long as she was focused on the weather, he guessed that was a good sign. Apart from the fact that they just had sex for the first time, the remnants of their release and exertion coating their bodies he assumed it was okay that her mind was on...the weather. This wasn't the time for his ego to take a bruising that she was staring out the window instead of curling under him while he wiped the perspiration from her brow and kissed her forehead. Or that he didn't get a chance to tell her again that he loved her. And the fact that he finally got the chance to make love to her just reaffirmed the extreme connection both mentally and physically they shared.

At least she hadn't run...yet.

She hadn't kicked him out or threw his clothes telling him it had all been a mistake and that she still hadn't forgiven him. So for now he would take what he could get.

The weather.

His mind whirled, thinking of what he could say to contribute to the conversation so they wouldn't just be lying there next to each other silent. But words were hard to find when all he saw was the perfect curve of her lip from the side as she looked out the window. Her body glistened, her nipples still hard and he stifled a moan thinking about the way they brushed against his chest as he pushed inside of her.

Shit.

Wrong thoughts. He could feel himself hardening again. Despite the fact that they just finished making love he needed inside of her.

Again.

But besides his raging hormones that would solve nothing. This was so much bigger than sex. It always was. No matter how many times over the years he wanted to just touch her, hold her, have the comfort of his body quell any insecurity or fear she had in the world they were always much more than that. This thing between them had been brewing for more time than not and he knew he had to pay the consequences for his decision to walk out of her life. He'd done the one thing that would bring her to her knees.

Call it arrogance or confidence but he'd been genuinely surprised that she fought back as hard as she did not to see him. He figured eventually his incessant calls and text messages would get through to her. They had been in each other's lives damn near thirteen years. How could she just throw that aside and ignore him?

A bitter puff of air escaped past his lips as he let out a bitter chuckle. Of course she could. It was the same thing he had done.

"What's so funny?" she asked, her head turned towards his but staying firmly on her back. If he were smart he would take the time to really dissect her tone to feel out her mood. Any clue to where he stood was better than nothing. Instead, he noticed the way the sun beamed across her face as it was beginning to set highlighting her brown hair to a rich shade of gold, that blended perfectly with her skin. She was beautiful and the pang of guilt hit him square in the gut.

He didn't deserve her.

He's not sure he ever has.

Turning his head to stare up at the ceiling, he inhaled slowly. His chest expanded, full of air and regret. "Nothing."

The bed gave underneath him and he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. It wasn't immediately evident what position she was in but he knew she moved. And she was still naked.

"Tell me," she whispered, her voice much closer.

He closed his eyes, resting the back of his hand against his damp forehead. His knuckles grazed the last beads of sweat that were beginning to dry, making the surface slippery and hard for him to get a firm grip. He doesn't want to look into the reality of what's in front of him. The fear that this will be a one time thing, that she will see him for the piece of shit his father has always told him he was and what he felt more times than not. It scared him senseless.

The therapist he'd seen once or twice tried to talk him out of his self deprecating ways, his children even tried once they had forgiven him for all the mistakes he made over the years but old habits were hard to break. Laying in her apartment, inside of a bedroom that he'd only seen a handful of times solely for case purposes after fucking her into forgiveness made him feel completely bare. Naked in a different sort of way. All the false bravado and words he hurled at her on the steps disappeared into thin air. He was laid out on her lavender bedspread feeling like an insecure date that's hoping he doesn't get shown after a one night stand.

"It-it's nothing," he huffed, resting his hand on his abs that contracted beneath his touch. Closing his eyes, he tried to get out of his head. To focus on the present instead of dwelling on the past.

The bed bowed beneath him. "Of course."

Before he can register what's happened, a glimpse of her naked form walked past him towards the bathroom.

"Liv wait." The words were left against the door as she slammed it behind her and turned on the faucet.

Frustrated, he sat up stretching out his legs and looking for his boxer briefs amidst the pile of wet clothes. Pulling on the stretchy material, he paced in the middle of the floor trying to decide what to do. His first instinct was to knock on the door, stop her from doing exactly what he had been doing for the past few minutes. His feet moved around in circles, fixated on the cold wooden floor beneath him and the matching lavender rug next to the bed. He would've never figured this was a color she liked. He'd always mostly seen her in dark colors with the exception of today. He was pleasantly surprised at the brazen femininity of her bedroom. The fluffy decorative pastel pillows that ended up on the far side of the room as he rushed to get off her clothes and feel her warm soft skin beneath him. There was so much about her, even the simplest smallest things, that he still didn't know. It was sobering.

"Liv," he called out to the door when he heard the water stop. "Can you come out?"

"No."

He rolled his eyes, sweeping his hand over his face. "Then can I come in?"

"No." Her answer was less stern this time. It was an opening. Perhaps she had softened just a bit.

"Please," he begged. The palm of his hand pressed against the door trying to reason with her. "Please."

The door flew open almost causing him to lose his balance. He stumbled right into her but she quickly shoved him away. "What do you want?"

Her light pink bathrobe wasn't tied all the way. The breeze from flinging the door open separated the satin material at her cleavage leaving him a good view of what was inside. The rim of her nipples were just in sight as he dragged his line of sight up to her eyes. In her anger, Olivia didn't seem to notice that he was still ogling her. If she did, it wasn't obvious or she just didn't care.

"We need to talk."

"I just tried that," she whirled past him picking up her wet clothes from the floor. "I asked you what was wrong and you didn't answer but honestly I can't be shocked."

He put his hand on her shoulder and she jerked back. "What's that s'posed to mean?"

"It means that I just asked you to tell me what's wrong and you blew me off."

She refused to meet his eyes, instead her vision fixated on his heaving chest. "We never talk Elliot. Ever."

"We just talked," he points outside in a vague attempt to remind her of what happened on the stoop.

"That wasn't talking. That was an argument about stuff we've never really talked about and then we ended up having sex."

She was right and he knew it but he wasn't ready to talk about the thirteen years worth of shit that led them to this moment. Thirteen years of knowing everything and nothing about a woman he'd been in love with when he wasn't sure he was capable of loving her the way she deserved. But he owed her that much to at least try. "Ok. Then we talk."

Reaching for her hand, she pulled back at first reluctant to meet his stark blue gaze. He tried again and this time she didn't reject him. Her hand was soft and pliant in his. If he could just get her to understand without having to form the words it would be so much easier. But he knew he would eventually hit his expiration date with the silent form of communication they had been doing since they began their complicated waltz.

Elliot owed her his words, not just implied actions for her to figure out. Apparently he wasn't doing a good job at that anyway.

She sat on the end of the bed and he tried not to notice that her robe was still open as he pulled his shirt from the floor. It was still dripping wet and he tossed it back down.

"We really need to get those up so they will stop tracking water everywhere. Aren't your boxers wet? Don't sit on my bed," she put her arm out to stop him. "Let me find you something to wear. I can't believe you're wearing those while they are wet."

A fleeting thought crossed his mind to make a crude joke about knowing she probably walked around with wet underwear before for a different reason but now was definitely not the time. Talk of their rain soaked clothes seemed to punch some of the tension out of the air and he didn't want to risk ruining that.

"I didn't think you would want me walking around with nothing on so.."

Olivia rummaged through her dresser trying to find something for him to wear. "There has to be something in here."

"Do you happen to just have extra men underwear hanging around?" He furrowed his brow urging himself not to think about the reasons why she would have extra clothes. They hadn't discussed what they had been up to the past year but at some point they would have to. He'd heard about David Haden even though it was after they had already split. He didn't know if she loved him or if she was heartbroken that they were no longer together. Maybe it was best that he didn't know.

"No but I have some shorts or something that you should be able to fit." She threw some green athletic shorts at him and a black t-shirt. Unfortunately as the clothes went over her shoulder she noticed that her robe was loose and finally closed the thin belt at her waist.

Elliot put on the clothes in silence. Both were a tight fight but manageable considering the alternative. He tied the drawstring at his waist although there wasn't much space left in the shorts. When he looked up, Olivia was standing a foot away from him in front of the dresser, her arms folded and her gaze fixated on the shorts. He looked down, following her line of sight and could see the clear imprint of his dick through his shorts.

"Simon stayed here a night a few months ago while he was going through-something with his kids," she added vaguely explaining his unasked question as she always did. "He forgot a few things here."

He had no idea she was even in touch with her brother. Shit. He really didn't know anything about her life.

"I didn't realize you two were still in touch." Gathering up the bundle of wet clothes, she took them from him tossing them into a nearby hamper.

"We aren't. He went through a thing and I helped him."

"Of course you did," he responded sitting back on the bed.

"What is that supposed to mean?" His head snapped up in surprise that she found any kind of reason to be pissed with that statement.

"Nothing I'm just saying of course you helped him because that's the kind of person you are. I know how you are about family and how you've helped him before."

The fight left her shoulders and she accepted his explanation. "Oh... So we're supposed to talk right?"

Elliot nodded his head, his teeth nipping nervously at his bottom lip. "Yep. So where do you want to start?"

Olivia looked around the room, the vein on her forehead protruding as she seemingly thought about where to begin.

"Ok I'll start," he chimed in, rubbing his sweaty palms on his knee. "Liv I know you don't think what I said back there was much of anything." He leaned forward rubbing his hands together, trying to find the words. This was much harder than he expected. If he just kept his head down and didn't look into her eyes he could do this. "I just wanted you to know that everything between us I feel has been there for awhile and we tried to ignore it but I didn't want to do that anymore. I want us to put everything out there and try to-try to-"

"Try to what?" she leaned down to meet his eyes with her arms folded.

Elliot stalled again, uneasy with her defensive posture. She knew what he was trying to say yet she was still calling him out. "Try to put everything behind us and be together," he rasped uncomfortably. "Do you want that?"

Olivia sighed, her hands falling by her side. She shrugged her shoulders, looking out of the window before she answered. "I don't know El. It's not that easy to just forget...everything."

It wasn't a no. At this point he would take it.

"Ok," he sat up, shoulders straight. He had to face this head on. "Tell me what it would take."

She huffed, and he could see the tears at the edge of her eyelids. "You disappeared. You know how much-," she angrily swiped a tear away. "You know that was always the thing I hated about everyone in my life and you did the same thing."

"I told you why I had to-"

"So what?!" she yelled and he was startled. They were right back where they began.

"So what?" he repeated trying to force down the rage rising in his chest. His hands clenched at his side. Angry Stabler wasn't what she needed to see right now. "How can you say that after what just happened?" he asked pointing at the bed.

"That. was. Sex."

"And that's it?" he asked and she shrugged her shoulders, offering no response. That set him off. After all this time he finally showed up and fought for her and she was treating it as if it was nothing. "What does that mean?" he shrugged mimicking her.

He stood, putting his hands on her shoulder, looking her directly in the eyes. "Olivia. I'm sorry. I never should've left. But I'm here now. I'm here now trying to make it right. Tell me what to do and I'll do it."

He stood watching her, willing her to say something. Anything. She kept shaking her head back and forth and he felt her slipping away more and more by the second. Her hair was pinned up with a clip and she'd washed the rest of the makeup off her face. She looked so natural. He saw all of her and he couldn't lose her now. Two stray tears escaped her eyes. Placing his fingers under her chin, he turned her head so she would have to look at him. Their years of not talking would work for him in this moment. He could read how she felt in her eyes. He always could. Even if they said something he wasn't ready to hear.

"Tell me," he begged.

"I don't know if you can," she whispered and his head dropped in defeat.

Squeezing her shoulder he turned around, his hand on his hip while his heart raced wildly. He was mad. There was no other way to describe it. Mad because he knew she would do this. That she would run, that she would get scared and throw it all away.

"I should've known," he mumbled. "I should've known you would do this. I didn't want to believe it but-"

"Believe what? That I wouldn't just run back in your arms and beg for it all to work out after you didn't answer my calls for a fuckin year!" she yelled.

 _But how many times did you really try?_

It wasn't until he heard her gasp that he realize the errant thought was said aloud.

"What?" she asked, her eyes wide in disbelief.

"You heard me." Elliot didn't back down. It was out now. She was running away so there wasn't anything to lose so he was ready to put it all on the line. "How many times did you try to call?"

"You sonofabitch. I called you plenty of times. You didn't answer!"

"How many?" he shot back. "You don't remember do you? Let me help you. Four. Twice the first night after the shooting, and two more times over the next week. That's it."

Olivia narrowed her eyes but he continued. "I sent you that medal. The Semper Fi medal to let you know that no matter what I was always loyal to you. I was trying to reach out the only way I could and still you didn't-"

"What did you expect me to do?" she cut him off. "Run behind you? Come to your house?"

"Yes!" he yelled. "Yes I did. I expected you to do the same thing I did when you left. I ran, I called, I bothered Huang to tell me who your case agent was, shit Olivia. I went to the Fed building looking for someone, anyone to tell me where you were. My world was falling apart, my wife and kids were gone but I was about to get on a plane to Oregon if I needed to just to find you. After you had already left me once to go to Computer Crimes without saying a word. After I watched a creep slit your throat and thought you were dead. I just kept-," his voice caught, "I just kept trying to find you."

Her chest heaved, her breaths getting louder but he didn't stop. He couldn't stop.

He turned towards her again, this time she met his gaze without him having to prompt her. "You know where I lived Olivia. Did you come by? Just once? Because I went to your apartment so many times when you were gone. Because I didn't know when you would be back and after a few weeks," he shrugged, "I stopped. Shit I know it's stupid but I just wanted you to care enough to try harder. I had just shot and killed a teenage girl. My head was fucked up. My career was on the line. I'm stubborn as hell and I know I didn't answer your calls but if you would've come by I wouldn't have turned you away."

He didn't move. Willing her to absorb the words and not strike back. Being vulnerable was never easy for him. It killed him to cry and break down in front of Rebecca when he went to see her after what happened with Pete Breslin but he needed to talk to someone that wasn't Olivia. It was his nature to turn away from her when he was hurting the most because he never wanted her to believe he wasn't strong enough to have her back. Shooting Jenna was the one time he was willing to be that vulnerable because he knew he was at a crossroads in his life and his career.

Late at night in the days following the shooting he sat on the swing on his porch, beer in hand, with some faint fantasy of an angry Olivia showing up to the house because they hadn't been in touch and them talking through it all. Either way his career probably couldn't be saved but at least he would've had her. It was a silly idea really but then not so silly at all. To finally feel like someone would fight for him like his wife, his father and his mother never would. He just wanted to feel...wanted.

"I didn't want to bother you."

His lip curled into a sad smile. "It wouldn't have been a bother Liv. I needed you. I needed you more than I think I ever needed anyone in my life. I wish I would've just answered the phone and told you that. But I needed you then and I need you now." One tear slid down his face. "Please. Please don't give up. Try harder. For us."

He was desperate. Exposed.

Olivia sniffed, her brown eyes locked on his before she turned away. She shuffled on her feet nervously before turning to walk back to the bathroom. His eyes were still on the floor when he heard the door shut and lock behind her.

He tried.

For once in his life he laid it all on the line for her..and she walked away.

He stood in the middle of her bedroom, the floor creaking beneath his steps back to the bed, his eyes trained on the very door she shut on him. It would've been easy to walk away again but he knew she wouldn't follow him. She'd waited for him for a year.

So he would sit here and wait for her.

No matter how long it took.


	3. Chapter 3

Authors Note: I know I have to update "Unrequited" too just wanted to sneak this one in there first. This is from Olivia's POV. And please review :-)

{-}

Olivia sat with her back to the door, the feel of the cold wood slicing through her thin robe. She wasn't sure how much time had passed. It could've been two minutes or two hours but everything seemed to stand still.

And he was still there.

For a moment she was worried he would leave when she heard his footsteps shuffle along the floor. But shortly after she heard the tiny creak of her mattress as it bowed beneath his weight and knew that he was sitting and waiting.

For her.

His heat practically radiated through the small opening underneath her bathroom door and she wondered if there would ever be a time when she wasn't always acutely aware of his presence. Of his every move. It was a gift when they were partners. Being able to silently assess where the other was or where they were going so they didn't have to speak out loud but now it just felt suffocating.

Now he was everywhere. The remnants of his release on her thigh, inside her. Her skin tingled in all the places he touched, the soreness beginning to creep into her limbs. Slowly she lifted her head, her gaze settling on the clear plastic shower curtain. She needed to shower and remove the traces of what they had just done so her mind could settle on one thing at a time.

Olivia looked down at her legs and traced her hand over her arms as if she would see visible bruises from all the verbal jabs he threw at her just moments before.

 _How many times did you try?_

No. It couldn't have been that easy. She shook her head back and forth trying to rid herself of the thoughts. It couldn't be cooked down to everything would've just been fine had she just gone by his house. It was more complicated than that. _They_ were.

Countless times she had thought about driving to Queens but each time her pride stood in the way. He didn't answer the phone and she wouldn't put herself out there for him anymore. And now he said he wanted to be chased. How stupid could he be? She felt as if she had been chasing him for years.

There were months she didn't feel the need to date because he was so encompassed in her life. Even without the intimacy, he managed to fill the romantic void in her life by just being there. When she did date she found herself comparing them to Elliot the entire time and eventually it would end. There were the times when she did make it past a few awkward dates like Kurt but the second he wanted to make it more serious she stepped back. He wanted her to move in with him and talked about having children, all the things she wanted for so long. Especially after coming off being turned down by the adoption agency and what happened with Lowell Harris she was at her most vulnerable. There was a future right there in front of her if she wanted it….but she said no. She simply couldn't settle. And finally seeing Elliot and Kurt side by side in his office at the Ledger was when it became most clear. Two parts of her life that she never wanted to come in contact with one another. Kurt deserved someone to love him the way she couldn't because between Elliot and the job she didn't have much left to give. He had been her everything.

When he separated from his wife she foolishly thought he would make a move. The tension between them had been thick but instead he flirted with Rebecca, went out on a date with an agent from Immigration and even kissed his new partner. Her replacement. A small part of her wanted him to be miserable when she left so maybe he would realize some feelings for her but instead he seemed comfortable and at ease in a way with Dani that mirrored their first year as partners.

So many years. So many chances and missed opportunities and he never acted on it. Not once. That's why she just couldn't bring herself to jump in her Mustang and chase him down one more time. She was tired.

The tears were hot and fierce on her cheek as the thoughts scatter through her exhausted conscience. It was all too much and she just needed space. She didn't want him to leave but she knew he couldn't stay. If he forced her to relive their complicated past she was afraid there would be something said that they couldn't take back. And she wanted them to have a chance.

Instead she sat back letting the soft hum of the bathroom heater cool her senses, trying to get herself back on track. Hiding in there all night wasn't an option. If Elliot hadn't left yet he probably wouldn't leave easily. He was as stubborn as he was sexy and the thought of getting up and going another round with him made her head hurt.

It all made no sense really. How hard she fell for him. There were no classic rom com settings like ice skating in the park, chance meetings on the street, food fights that turned into lost kisses. It was anything but. It was solving crimes on the street, stakeouts in cars full of old coffee cups and take out boxes and hostage situations in warehouses. That's what made them different from anyone else. But despite the circumstances, she was hopelessly in love with him. With his too tough attitude, lack of traditional humor, arrogant walk and macho demeanor, she loves him.

Olivia sighed while lifting herself from the floor, her fingertips sliding along the fluffy mat in front of her sink as she braced herself to stand. She felt woozy and sluggish almost as if she had a hangover but that's what this was like. She had gotten drunk on Elliot Stabler and in the process given herself to him completely.

The force of his big body moving above her wasn't like she had imagined for years. It was so much more. Her reflection stared back at her in the small vanity mirror and she combed her fingers through her freshly fucked hair as the memories of him thrusting into her became overwhelming. He had been demanding, working her body as if they had done this so many times before. Despite her anger with him, her body was ready and willing to come for him.

Shit.

Her knees wobbled and she closed the toilet lid, quickly sitting on top of it to steady herself. Leaning forward, she placed her elbows on her knees and took deep breaths. She didn't know if she had any more fight left in her. To fight against him or for him. It felt late even though she knew it wasn't. It was pure exhaustion. Emotionally and physically.

The energy that her orgasm had pulled from her body, the adrenaline from their argument had quickly replaced. But now staring at the four walls of her small bathroom it had all evaporated again. She turned her head, the shower once again taunting her and she let out a bitter laugh.

"I'm ridiculous," she mumbled to herself. There she was mad as hell, tired, confused and she couldn't bring herself to take a shower because she didn't want to wash him off her. His scent permeated her nostrils, reminding her of the closeness that she didn't know if they would ever experience again. Once she crossed that threshold and talked to him there was a chance that everything would come crashing down. She wasn't ready for that. She wasn't sure what she wanted them to be or how he would even fit in her life anymore.

"Liv?" There were two small knocks on the door and he wiggled the doorknob. "You okay in there?"

His voice was timid and she felt her wall coming down. He sounded just as scared as she was. Their relationship was a landmine that neither quite knew where to step without setting the other off.

"Yeah." Her voice cracked so she cleared her throat attempting to sound more confident. "Yeah I'm just about to take a quick shower."

He was silent but she could see his shadow beneath the door thanks to the small amount of light in the bedroom.

"Can I come in?"

The question was so quiet she almost thought she didn't hear it. His voice was muffled against the door and she found herself taking the few steps to be near it. Leaning her head against the door, she placed her palm flat on the surface. She took a deep breath trying to find some semblance of calm. He couldn't come in there with her because the space was too small and everything between them was so big. "El just give me a few minutes ok?"

Elliot sighed. "Ok."

Olivia dropped her robe and took a quick shower. When she was finished and opened the door, the lamp was off and Elliot was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head buried in his hands.

"Hey."

"Hey," he rasped not lifting his head. Her defensiveness shifted to a need to protect him like it usually did when he seemed really upset. As partners, she would sometimes forget why she was mad at him and focus on making him feel better.

Standing in front of him, she put her hand on his shoulder. "What's wrong Elliot?"

He shifted, falling into her touch. "Nothing."

"Fine." Her hand fell away, walking to the dresser to pull out something to wear.

"Wait," he held her arm trying to keep her near him.

"I need to get dressed." She had put back on the same thin robe and it didn't give her enough barriers from him, to protect herself from the physical effect he had on her.

His hand began to caress her arm, his imprint burning her skin.

Shit.

"El," she protested weakly as his hand traveled lower. And lower. She needed to stop him. They couldn't do this. She didn't know where they stood, if they would even be friends after this whirlwind of a day.

She couldn't look at him so her gaze lingered on the window instead on the glimpse of sun setting in the far horizon. This day was almost over. The light was leaving and the impending darkness had replaced it. If she closed her eyes, she could act like it never happened.

The feel of his palm on the inside of her thigh broke her reverie. Inching up to the place she ached for him most. "El," she moaned and she knew she was going to give in. But right before he touched her there she felt something else instead….His head pressed into her abdomen, his arms wrapping around her waist.

"Tell me what to do Olivia. I'll do anything," he choked out. His voice was thick with emotion and she thought for a second that he was crying. "Please just don't give up on this."

This.

There was that word again.

"It's not that simple," she whispered. "We've got a lot to talk through but not to-"

He squeezed her tighter. "Don't run away from this."

She immediately backed up from his hold, his hands dropping against his lap. "I'm not running away from anything. I'm just saying that we need to take a day. Everything can't be on your time Elliot."

Elliot let out a defeated sigh. "Ok so when? Tomorrow?"

"I'll let you know. I'll call you."

"Jesus." He rolled his eyes pacing back and forth.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"No what? Say what you need to say."

"You aren't going to talk about this. I'm going to call and you won't answer just like you've been doing the past few weeks," he waves her off beginning to put on his shoes.

"Well you would know about that."

"Get off the shit Olivia. Ok I get it. I didn't answer. I've apologized. We need to move on from this."

"Of course because it's that simple," she folded her arms getting closer to him as he looked away. "It's you so I just need to get over it."

"Well it looks like you didn't have any problems getting over anything." His eyes closed and she saw the regret on his face when he turned around to slip on his other shoe. "Nevermind."

"No tell me what you meant by that," she stepped in front of him blocking his path to the door.

"I'm just saying it didn't take you long to rebound that's all."

Unbelievable. Unfuckingbelievable. She chuckled bitterly shaking her head. She should've known. There's was no telling how much he knew or who told him and she didn't even care.

"So now you want to make this about David? You're ridiculous."

"No I don't want to make this about anything other than you and me but you don't want to talk about that," he argued back.

"No you are the one that said something about it not taking me long to get over it. So me moving on with my life after my partner who left me after almost thirteen years without so much as a phone call was wrong?"

He was such a self righteous son of a bitch. Her relationship with David was over, but there was residual damage there. He'd promise not to go anywhere and that was what she needed to hear especially after losing Elliot. But once again she was left alone.

It was the job...again. Another casualty to her love life because of the job that had been so embedded in her that she didn't know who or what she was without it.

Elliot sighed, his features tense when he looked back at her. She was prepared to fight but she saw the fight quickly leave his body once again. "Did-Did you love him?"

The air left her lungs. No. She didn't want to talk about this. She didn't want to talk about them. She didn't want to talk about anything. She just needed to get to the third drawer of her dresser. The one that had her loungewear, pull on a pair of yoga pants and a shirt and drown her sorrows in a glass of wine.

"Did you?" he asked again and self preservation be damned, she's going to put it all on the line.

"Yes. Yes I did."

Elliot's eyes closed, his head dropped. He walked away from her into the hallway and she braced herself for his abrupt exit. Standing in her bedroom doorway she watched his frame get further and further away before it stopped. Grabbing his jacket, he squeezed it in his hands and she could sense he was struggling with whether or not to leave.

Faced with the prospect of him walking away, she followed him down the hall. He was frozen still with his eyes closed. She stepped right behind him, her breath tickling his neck and Elliot leaned back in her direction. They were almost touching but not quite. It made sense why he wanted to know because she's often wondered the same about women over the years but she was concerned that he would let it blind him from the root of their issues.

"Yes I loved him. And I'm not going to let you make me feel guilty for that because it had nothing to do with me and you. I loved him, he loved me but it ended and now here we are. Me and you."

His shoulders rose, his breaths became deeper and deeper. She didn't want his anger right now. They needed to be able to talk eventually to work through their problems and David Haden wasn't going to be a roadblock.

"Why did it end?" he tried to ask nonchalantly but she was having none of it.

"Does it matter?"

He shrugged and set the jacket back down on the arm of her sofa. "I guess it doesn't."

"No," she said with more emphasis than she meant. "It doesn't. We don't need to discuss our pasts. Either of us."

She was sure she had much more questions than he did. Dani, Rebecca, whoever occupied his bed the past year.

"Ok fine. So when are we going to discuss whatever it is that's going on between us?" There was a glimmer of hope in his eye despite the hurt she could see spelled out among his features.

Olivia rolled her eyes. He wasn't going to let it go and while it frustrated her that she felt somewhat backed into a corner, there was a part of her that appreciated him finally fighting for them.

"When?" He asked again.

"I told you I would call you."

"Bullshit Olivia," he put his jacket on, the undried raindrops sprinkling on the floor. "Just for the record this time is on you. You are running...again."

Rolling her eyes, she could feel the rage building in her chest. "I'm running again?"

"Yep what does that make it three times? Three times that you've run away from this, from us without working through whatever it is between us."

Her breath hitched at his words and she struggled to regain her composure. He had it all so wrong. Or did he? "This isn't a game Elliot. Why are you keeping score?"

A puff of air left his mouth, his hand gripping the back of his neck. The tension was coming off of him in waves. They didn't move, another silent stand off. He stared down while she watched him closely.

Before she realized what she was saying the words left her mouth. "Besides if it was a game you would be a lot closer to my score than you realize."

His head flew back, eyebrows furrowing in confusion. "Excuse me? One time Olivia I left you once and I told you-"

"YOU LEFT ME TWICE," she yelled. Her chest heaved as she gasped for air. No, no no she didn't mean to say that.

"What do you mean I left you twice?"

Olivia turned on her heels and walked to the kitchen. Again she needed distance from him and she was mad as hell that her apartment was so damn quiet. Distraction. Something. Anything to move on from this dangerous topic of conversation.

Elliot's footsteps were right on her heels as she walked to the kitchen counter searching her cupboards for a glass to fill with wine.

"Olivia?"

"Nothing," she whispered, pulling the cork from the bottle and pouring a healthy amount into her glass. She immediately bought it to her lips, letting the bitter liquid massage her throat.

His presence was right there near her and it only made her need for more alcohol more intense.

"Liv? What did you mean?"

This time his voice was right behind her ear. He was close. Too close and she couldn't do this with him. Not like this. Not when they've just had sex for the first time and effectively torn down any barrier they had between them.

"Plea-"

"Tell me," he quietly insisted again.

But she felt it then. The anger being replaced with something else that she's wasn't quite sure of. The proximity. Her proximity. It's affecting him the same way his does to her and he's losing the will to fight. This was the time to say it all. To tell him the truth while he was so still that she swore she could hear his heartbeat, his blood pumping through his veins and his eyes blink. For once this whole night she felt like he was finally listening. The desperation in his voice weakened her and she closed her eyes as she admitted something she never wanted him to know.

"You left me when you went back home."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note:** I know it's been awhile but I'm back to this story. Good news is it's all written just needs to be edited so the updates shouldn't take so long going forward. Thank you all for being patient and don't forget to drop me a review!

* * *

 _"_ _You left me when you went back home"_

The words were on a constant loop in his head. His feet remained plastered to the floor, muscles tense, watching her drain the wine glass. There were two choices. End this conversation or be vulnerable in a way that he had never been before.

"Liv." Clearing his voice, he spoke again. "Can you turn around and look at me?" In order to have the strength to say this he needed to see her eyes. "Please."

She sighed, turning around grasping her glass close to her chest as if it were a shield.

Taking a few steps closer, he saw her tense and stopped instantly. "I felt like I left you too."

Her eyes grew wide and then looked away. All or nothing. If he wanted her, he had to strip bare. If anyone deserved this, it was Olivia.

"Those months after I went home….". He bit his lower lip, shaking his head as the images of that time danced in front of him. He and Olivia were on the verge of something. Something he couldn't describe. The tension between them evolved from anger to friendly to the cusp of romance. Their stares lingered, and each time they spoke, he stared at her lips. The surrounding energy crackled with intensity, and he's sure that others took notice.

She took a step closer to him. "What?"

The softness in her voice is like a comforting blanket, giving him just the boost he needed. He could do this. He could tell her everything. "You got something stronger in that cabinet?"

Olivia's lip curled. She turned around to the oak cabinet, reaching above the shelf that held the coffee mugs and wine glasses and pulled out another bottle. "Scotch or Whiskey. Strongest things I got."

"Whiskey'll do."

They remain quiet while she hands him the glass. He sips, clenching his teeth at the burn of the amber liquid sliding down his throat. "Those months after I went home were… hard. I thought-shit I hoped that something was going to happen between you and me. I knew that something was…different with us."

Olivia screwed her eyes shut, taking another sip from the glass and slamming it on the counter. The sound echoed through the kitchen.

"Did you feel it too Liv?" He closed the small distance between them. "Did you feel like something was different?"

She paused before opening her eyes. Tears swam in her eyelids but she didn't speak, nodding her head instead. He pressed his forehead against hers, breathing in deeply. The smell of her coconut body wash mixed with the faint fruity smell of her wine is intoxicating. He could breathe her in all the time. It relaxed him and made him feel secure, like a year hadn't passed.

"I didn't-," he swallowed hard. "I didn't know where it would go but I knew I wasn't scared of it anymore. I wanted you. I wanted whatever was going to happen between us."

His hand dropped to her waist, squeezing the pink satin between his fingers.

"I know it may not seem like enough but when I went back home, I gave all I could give." The words flow easier with her in his arms. "I tried to take care of my responsibility at home and be there for you. I was driving myself crazy, stretching myself thin. In the end, it never seemed like enough."

Olivia pulled away, turning towards the sink. She sniffled, leaning against the counter for support. He wanted to say more, but he couldn't stop staring at her. Her head bowed between her shoulders and she reached for the glass to take another drink. This time it was the whiskey.

She poured a small amount and quickly threw it back. Squeezing the glass, she looked at him over her shoulder. "How do you know that you have anything left to give me?"

He opened his mouth to answer but quickly shut it. He could make her a false promise saying he was certain that it would work but she deserved nothing less than the truth. The rain started up again, lightly tapping her windowsill. He raised his head to the heavens, praying that someone would give him the right answer. Something, anything that would make her not shut down on him again.

"I don't know Liv. Don't know that I have anything left to really offer you. I realize we've both been through the ringer over the years." He picked up his glass and took another drink as she watched him with her arms folded. "I just know this feels right you and me and nothing seems right without you in my life. I could have everything and still not have anything at all if you aren't there."

Olivia remained quiet and he hoped she understood what he tried to say. It sounded more selfish than he intended, but communication was never his strong suit. He offered up the only thing he could.

Himself. Flaws and all.

And prayed that it would be enough.

With her back still to him he became desperate to ease the tension. He felt bare and exposed. And not knowing if she accepted anything he said, made it worse.

His chest tightened, thinking about that time. It was a clusterfuck to say the least. Gitano, Olivia leaving, the tension when she got back, finally signing the divorce papers only to ask to come back home. Emotionally, he was a merry-go-round.

And then there was Dani.

God, he had been so fucked in the head that he let things go further with her than he intended…and he had to tell her.

"I kissed Dani."

The room stood still. He felt the exact moment her breathing stopped. The room felt stifled. He couldn't breathe. If it were possible to move forward and never mention Dani's name again, he would've. He understood it bothered her, but if they were going to move forward, it had to be explained.

"It was during one of our cases. I had been drinking and I-"

Olivia turned abruptly to face him. "Did you fuck her?"

Her tone was cold, frigid and void of emotion. The complete opposite of what she had been in his arms mere minutes before.

"Guess that's my answer."

Shit, he should've spoken up sooner. "No. I didn't."

"Why?"

He grimaced, eyebrows squished together. "Why what? Did I kiss her?"

"No," she turned. "Why didn't you fuck her? I'm sure she wanted to."

She was jealous. He could've wallowed in that but decided it wasn't the time.

"It just-we didn't go there."

"But you wanted to," she countered.

And there was the grenade. The answer to that question was going to be like pulling the pin out and blowing up any chance he had to be with her, but he had to tell her the truth.

He swallowed hard. "Yes."

Olivia scoffed, her back to him once again. "Just leave me alone," she said as he hugged her from behind. She tried to push him off but he didn't budge. Even if she was angry, she needed to listen. He bared everything, telling her things he hadn't told his priest. The band-aid was off now, so it was time to explore the raw pain of everything.

"No, you're going to listen."

There wasn't much effort to her struggle. "Just listen."

She breathed deeply and remained completely still.

"Yes I wanted to. Because I needed to feel something. I didn't have anyone Olivia," he whispered harshly in her ear. "You were gone and I had no idea where, my marriage was over and I know it sounds pathetic as hell but all I kept thinking was how I kept losing people."

Her body went limp, relaxing against him.

"Dani looked at me like you did when you first started in the unit. She was eager and hungry and all she wanted was my approval. She wanted me to tell her to stay."

Olivia's body tensed up. He had never told anyone about Dani's ultimatum. "As much as I needed something or someone to hold on to I would never do it at the risk you wouldn't come back. If Dani stayed then that meant she would be my partner forever. I wouldn't get you back and as fucked up as everything was between us, I couldn't risk that."

She was still silent. He shook her a little to get her attention. "Are you listening to me Liv?" He needed her to understand. It was her or no one.

He let her hands go and they dropped down by her sides as she leaned against him. Her chest heaved, absorbing the sting of his words.

"Yes. I'm listening," she muttered.

"I wanted you anyway I could have you. I didn't care if you never spoke to me again or if our partnership never got back to what it used to be. I just needed you in my life." He pulled her close, whispering into her hair. "I still do."

Her head fell like dead weight on his shoulders. She writhed, her ass connecting directly with his length. Elliot sucked in a breath, screwing his eyes shut, holding her firmly around the waist to keep her still. He was growing harder by the second and cursed his body for being so reactive .

They had 13 years worth of sexual tension built up, but being so acutely aware of every part of her body was new to him. There hadn't been time for him to adjust to knowing what it was like to be around her after he had been inside her.

Elliot opened his eyes, making the mistake of looking down over her shoulder. The curve of her breasts taunted him. Her fucking robe was driving him insane. Olivia's hands began to roam along his thigh and he panted, his fingers trembling with need. Despite the awkward position, she touched every part of him within reach.

He was doomed.

When she squeezed his ass, his body worked on autopilot. He caressed her breasts and his dick became hard as granite the second her hard nipples were between his fingers.

"Shit Liv. You've gotta let me know if this is okay." His words came out in a rush. Just short of unbuckling his pants he searched for some sort of affirmation from her. Her staccato breaths and grinding against him wasn't enough. He needed to hear her. To know it was okay.

"Liv," he breathed, his hands near her belly button twitching with restraint. They needed to talk, figure everything out but he couldn't stop.

Her hands moved from his thigh, to the tip of his shaft through the thin material of his shorts.

"Liv." He was desperate. "Dammit, you gotta-"

"Please El." Her eyes were closed, voice shaky with the effort to form words. "Fuck me."

His control snapped, body in complete overdrive. Within seconds, he had the shorts down just enough to release his jutting erection. His mind spun. He needed her right there in the kitchen. The bedroom or living room seemed too far. She shrugged out of her robe as he moved her a few inches to the right to lean over the empty countertop. Her perfect ass came into view as his legs helped spread hers so he could fit in between. His fingers gently parted her soft flesh, the heat of her arousal radiating against his hand.

Elliot lined himself up and slowly pushed into her folds. They both sighed as he leaned over her back, giving her a moment to adjust to the intrusion. With one hand on her hip and the other tangled in her hair, he began fucking her. Long deep strokes as Olivia braced herself with a hand on the wall. She pushed into him, as he pulled her hips back creating a perfect rhythm. Her merciless clenches almost sent him careening over the edge and he pulled her hair gently trying to steady himself. He pumped into her again and again when she shouted his name with her release. His teeth sunk into the back of her neck as his climax claimed him at the same time.

Slowly, he stood up rubbing her neck and smoothing her hair down making sure she was okay. Olivia remained silent, avoiding eye contact as she picked up her robe and put it back on.

He lowered his head, cursing himself. The tension was back. Any progress he made by admitting the truth about Dani disappeared. Exhaustion began to creep in.

"You ok?" He asked tentatively.

She nodded her head, reaching for his glass and quietly draining the rest of the liquid. "I'm fine."

Elliot expected her to pour another round but instead she walked to the living room, sitting on the couch. He watched her carefully as he sat next to her, leaving a small space between them. Her arms folded around herself as she stared at the coffee table. There was something there. Something else she wanted to say. He decided to wait her out.

"I understand about Dani. I do," she eventually said. Her tone was timid, the exact opposite from how she was beneath him a few minutes before.

"You do?"

She shook her head, fidgeting with her hands. The dread crept through him. His heart pounded, dropping his head into his hands. "Just tell me."

"I know what it's like. Everything was a mess back then. One minute it seemed like something would happen and then Kathy and I ….I didn't know which way was up. All I was sure of was that it wouldn't stop hurting."

His breath caught in his throat as took her right hand in his. It was rigid and cold. "Just tell me," he repeated.

"I'm saying I understand with Dani….because it was that way with me and Dean."

He stopped breathing.

He actually stopped breathing.

Dean Porter. He should've fuckin known. All the time he had to practically force himself into the mix when she was looking for Simon. No wonder.

She had found a replacement.

He dropped her hand, cracking his knuckles.

The memories of watching her and Dean came flooding back. It was so easy for her to trust Dean when he felt like it took him years to penetrate her thick shell.

He was working side by side with her lover and had no idea. It was irrational but he was off the couch, walking towards the door before he realized what he was doing.

"Elliot wait," she pleaded. He paced back and forth by the door trying to reel himself in. Logically he had not right. She was single. She could be with whoever she wanted but fuck.

Of all people Dean Porter. God, he hated him.

"You must've hated me." His reasonable side was telling him to be quiet but it was losing at the moment.

She rolled her eyes. "What are you talking about?"

"For stopping him when he wanted to take you home that night after he shot Rojas. No wonder you were so upset when he lied to us. He broke your heart."

"It bothered me, yes," she admitted. His nostrils flared and he turned around, in a silent stand off with her door.

"If you walk out on me now we're done."

He closed his eyes, teeth gritting together. His jaw clenched so tight it sent a sharp pain to his head.

Olivia walked closer to him. "Because there's Dean, David, Kurt and others that you and I never discussed. All while _you_ were at home trying to make your family work."

The word family hit him square in the gut. He uttered it to her at all the wrong times.

 _Family is everything._

"You needed to find your happiness and so did I. You can't blame me for that. But if you do, if you walk out that door Elliot….don't come back this time."

He felt like a perp at the other end of the interrogation table when she was turning the knife in, pulling out a confession.

"You had me work with him. Side by side and I didn't have a clue that…."

How could he have not known? Shit, who was he kidding? He knew. He just didn't want to believe it because it made him sleep easier at night. "Did you sleep with him?"

"No," she answered immediately and there wasn't enough time to register his relief before he asked the next question. "Did you want to?"

Of course he had to ask, echoing the same question she asked him. Turnabout was fair play. That's how it was with them. Tit for tat.

"I don't know," she shrugged. "I thought about it. I almost did."

The damp leather of his jacket was in his hand, knuckles hurting from clenching the fabric so hard. The other side of her door beckoned him. He needed space or he would say something that would blow whatever chance they had at a relationship to hell.

The room seemed too small again.

Too dark.

Even with the faint smell of sex in the air, he was choking on their past and all the issues between them.

Olivia's arms were folded, her fingers tapping impatiently.

"In or out Elliot? What's it gonna be?"

She wasn't pleading with him to stay, she just wanted to know his choice.

He took a deep breath, his hand scrubbing down his face, scratching the stubble beginning to form on his chin and made a decision.


	5. Chapter 5

With Elliot's back to her, Olivia wrestled with what decision he should make. He could leave and give her exactly what she asked for earlier.

Space.

Time.

To think, to feel. But this wasn't how she wanted it. Not after revealing she used Dean the way he used Dani to fill a void he left behind. And not after he'd taken her hard and fast just a few feet from where he stood. Watching him walk out on her was the last thing she wanted.

 _Believe me, if he hated you, he'd just walk right out of your life._

No. She hadn't thought it through. How hard it would be to see him walk out on her...again.

It was the middle of the night and he was upset over something he had done himself. Goddamn him. Always being a hypocrite. And still, she hated that she wanted to comfort him. She wanted to hug him and feel the solid strength of his broad chest against her head as she apologized. He has always been her weakness.

Her heart thumped, drowning out the tense silence surrounding the room.

It was late. Her muscles ached, her head hurt, but she needed to finish this with him one way or the other. The empty glass in the sink beckoned and she wished she could fill it up with something to give her the courage to deal with his decision. He would either walk out that door and kill any chance they had for a relationship or he would stay, and she would have to admit things she hoped they would never have to discuss. In the past it was always talking about everything but really nothing at all. Words that conveyed their hopes and fears about victims, anger towards perps but nothing that pierced the thick hide of emotions between them.

Elliot's jacket hit the small crescent-shaped table near her door with a light thud that echoed in the small space. He seemed to turn in slow motion and her heart rate returned to normal. With his head still pointed down she couldn't make out his eyes as he slowly walked towards her.

"Ok," he exhaled his arms crossed over his chest.

"Ok what?"

"You asked if I'm in or out. I'm in. So let's talk."

She rolled her eyes and tried to stall. Not knowing what his decision would be left her unprepared. "Really? Because I thought you were just going to fuck me and leave."

 _That's it Olivia,_ she chastised herself. _Cause an argument to delay the inevitable._

Elliot's head shot up, his eyebrows furrowed. "Why? Because that's what David did?"

 _Sonofabitch. Score one for Elliot._

Her hands flexed at her sides and vision became blurry. As soon as she opened her mouth to strike back, he spoke instead.

"I'm sorry. I shoul-I'm sorry."

Olivia blinked rapidly, taken aback by both the insult and the apology. The words were clogged in her throat, threatening to lash out but she was so tired.

How many times were they going to do this? How many times were they going to talk around, near, up and down the issue instead of talking through it? He had no idea what a sore spot David was. No idea how she couldn't sleep for days after that night in the bar where he chose the job over her. Another person in her life.

Gone.

Her mom, Kurt, David, and Elliot. Even Simon who was supposed to be her chance at a family, some sense of normalcy had gone wrong. When she looked in Simon's eyes she searched for some resemblance to her own. They had things in common and it gave her a sense of belonging she never had before, but he used her for money and connections. And now he was gone too. The phone calls stopped when he was released from jail and she never knew if she would see her niece again. Olivia. A child named after her. A child she would never see again.

She would never have a child.

No.

This was going all over the place, her mind meandering into dark territory, going to places she couldn't venture while he was standing there. It was bad enough to think these things about herself when she was alone, but to have him staring while she took a trip down insecurity lane would only make matters worse.

"I'm tired." Opting out of another glass of alcohol, she sat down instead folding into herself searching for some kind of warmth.

Elliot remained standing but she couldn't tell if he was watching her. Twelve hours ago it was another run of the mill day at work. Dealing with victims and solving cases seemed easier than this.

Eventually, he huffed and sat on the other end of the couch. Seconds turned into minutes without a word. The quiet that she once found comfort in after long cases and hard times, was suddenly suffocating. They were drowning in the ocean of their past…and present.

"We should'nt have had sex," she admitted and his body tensed.

"You started it."

Exhaling, she ran her fingers through her hair, bracing her hands on her knees. "I know that Elliot."

"So why?" He asked and she heard the genuine confusion in his voice.

Immediately, she got up to walk around. Being too close to him was too much and she needed space. It was late and she fought the urge to open a window just to breathe some fresh air.

Yes, she initiated the sex. In the moment she wanted nothing more than to feel his hands on her. To own him, possess him and she's ashamed that it was all because he mentioned Dani.

Watching through those blinds years ago as he shared a familiarity with a woman that wasn't her and wasn't his wife, a woman that replaced her in more ways than one was too much to bear. Once Dani's name came up, those feelings came flooding back. She was in a stand off with the same confusion, insecurity and distance she felt six years ago. Blinded by irrational jealousy, she needed to feel him.

He was _hers._ Even with all of their fucked up history and a year of not speaking, the thought of him with another woman hurt her just as much as it did then.

Maybe more.

"It's all-I don't-," she tried to get the words out but it was all too fucked up even in her own head. Her mind was a mess of jumbled thoughts. Rebecca, Dani, Kathy, and feeling like she didn't measure up like she did so many times through her life.

"Rebecca just—"

"What?" Elliot stood up staring at her in disbelief. "Are you really going to make this about Rebecca? That was almost 8 years ago Olivia."

She knew. If anyone knew just how long it had been it was her.

"You want to make this about Rebecca after you just got pissed at me for bringing up David." His voice was louder now, rounding the couch to stand face to face.

"It's not the same. I was there then!"

Elliot shook his head. She hated herself for sounding like a petulant child but she had given him everything else. What else was left? "You want to know about her? Ok fine." He threw his hands up in surrender. "I needed attention. I was fresh off my wife of twenty years walking out the damn door with my children. I felt like I had nothing left."

Olivia sucked in a breath. If he punched her in the face, it would've hurt less. "You had me. You still had me. And it clearly wasn't enough," her voice cracked.

Elliot closed his eyes, sighing. "You know what I meant."

She shrugged her shoulders pacing back and forth. "No I don't actually. I guess I never know what you mean."

And that was their problem.

"I saw you with him."

His voice was so low that she almost didn't hear him.

"What?"

He turned to face her. "David. I didn't know his name or who he was until much later but I saw you with him. Outside of a diner one night. You looked….happy." His sad smile betrayed the context of his words. "I was across the street, had just come from looking for an apartment. Some shitty one bedroom that I could barely afford and feeling like….my world was upside down and then I saw you… with him." His eyes dropped to the floor, away from her wide eyes and stunned expression. "And then I really felt like I had nothing. I couldn't make out what you two were saying. I didn't watch for long but just long enough to see you were happy..with him and without me."

It took effort for her to breathe. A fire in her chest that burned with every exhale and inhale. He saw her. He saw her and _still_ didn't seek her out.

"Why didn't you call me then?"

Elliot gave her a lopsided grin. "Would you have called me? If you saw me out with Kathy or Dani or some other woman looking perfectly content after we hadn't spoken for awhile. Would you have called?"

He had her there. If anything she would've stayed away longer. God, she hated that they had all the wrong similarities. All the ingredients to create the perfect storm.

The lines in his forehead straightened, his eyes turning serious. "I know I had you and the job Liv," he said switching her focus back to the earlier issue. "You think I would ever forget that? I'd already decided that I would never go there with you because I knew it would be the end of us. Rebecca was just….there."

"Like Dani?" She asked. She couldn't help herself.

"Yes. Like Dani." And because he's Elliot, he just couldn't leave it there. "And Dean."

Her blood ran cold. She asked and he answered, she would have to do the same. "What do you want to know Elliot? He stayed here for a couple of nights when everything was going on with Fin and the trial."

He cupped his chin, placing his hands on hips while thinking. "So before or after I told you that Kathy was pregnant?"

She swallowed audibly. "After." Of course he would put it together.

"Is that why he was here?"

Under any other circumstances it may have been hard for him to ask her that question, but with his harsh stance and clenched jaw she knew that a hurt, determined Elliot would be no holds barred. Insecurity or arrogance be damned.

She took a few steps away from him. "He needed a place to stay."

"You're not answering my question."

If only she could make it to the kitchen. Take another swig of brown liquid and muster up more courage but now it almost made her sick to look in that direction. The location of her stupidity as she fucked him again for all the wrong reasons. The perfect metaphor for the secret she was hiding. For years, she based her relationships with around what was happening between her and Elliot, and she hated herself for it.

"What happened Liv?"

She took a deep breath, resigning herself to the inevitable. "He slept on the couch."

Another pause as he waited for her to go on. "We kissed once. He wanted to...but…" She shook her head hoping he would get it. Her mind was too full of him and the fact that his wife was carrying his child to sleep with Dean that night or any night. Every time she closed her eyes, she kept replaying the scene in the courthouse.

 _Kathy's pregnant._

 _I'm pathetic._

The hurt was too fresh and Dean was too close professionally. Last thing she needed was another Cassidy situation. There was a chance they would work together again and she didn't want to have to tiptoe around the awkwardness. Elliot began pacing. His movements were slow, calculated, reminding her of how he cornered perps in the interrogation room.

"Why did you keep Kurt a secret from me?"

She whirled on him completely caught off guard. "Where did that come from?"

He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "Just figured we were getting it all out in the open."

And thankfully he walked to the kitchen, grabbed two glasses and the bottle of liquor. He sat back down, the sounds of the glasses hitting the table echoing in the dark apartment as he set them down side by side.

"Here," he said pouring a drink.

She was relieved, quickly taking the glass. It was just about to touch her lips when he spoke. "Will this help you open up to me?"

He drained his glass, hissing at the burn, not noticing that she stopped in her tracks.

"What's that supposed to be mean?" The thoughts of her mother kicked in and she tried to keep the defensiveness out of her voice.

"Nothing," Elliot furrowed his eyebrows. "I just thought it would help. In the kitchen—"

"I don't need that," she slammed the glass back down.

"Well shit Liv if you don't need it then just talk to me."

She looked away from him. "I just don't see what the point of all hashing all this is."

"The point is for us to talk. I meant what I said. I want us to work through this." He sounded so sincere that it tugged at her insides.

"You were just about to walk out the door."

"But I'm here now!" he yelled and quickly reeled it back in. "I came back in so we could talk."

Olivia scoffed. "So we could talk about everyone we've been with over the years?"

He clasped his hands together across his lap. "Among other things."

Elliot's eyes stayed focused on his glass and she began to feel like they were talking about something else. The merry-go-round was making her dizzy and she wanted to get off.

"At some point," he finally said breaking the silence. "We are going to have to figure out why we can talk about everything except for what matters. We don't have cases to distract us anymore. We've got to talk about it all."

"Ok fine," she stood up in frustration leaving the glass on the table. "Kurt and I met at a mixer that Casey and I went to. We didn't date long, he wanted to move too fast and I just wasn't there yet. I didn't love him."

Kurt had been ready to give her everything she wanted. He wanted her to move in with him and talked about having children which is something that she wanted more than anything, especially after the adoption petition was denied. There was no doubt she considered it. It was a solution to her problem but it wasn't what she wanted. The relationship with Kurt wouldn't last. It was okay while it was in the dark when it was just the two of them and he made her laugh and feel attractive and wanted. It was comfortable and convenient. Everything that her and Elliot wasn't.

It wasn't love.

"So that's why you broke up with him?"

"For the most part yes," she breathed out already thinking about what questions she would ask in return. Like who had been keeping his bed warm for the past year while he was allegedly getting his life together. "He was a distraction," she said not thinking.

"Distraction from what?"

She stilled, not ready to answer the question. In a flash she thought about that time of her life. The car accident with Kathy, Eli's birth, Elliot more immersed in life at home and witnessing Agent Cooper's suicide. She had seen so much of herself in Lauren Cooper. Kurt came along right after and the timing was perfect. It kept her mind from spiraling more. By the time Sealview happened, she needed to end the relationship. She was just buying time.

Silently, she trudged over to the window looking out among the streets. The puddles of rain glistened on the slick pavements and although it was late, there were a few stragglers along the sidewalk. She lifted the window, allowing just the slightest amount of air to fill the room and hit her lungs.

"I had a tough year Elliot. Between Cooper committing suicide right in front of me and the adoption failure, the car accident with Kathy, you having Eli and...," she choked on the words but tried to keep talking so he wouldn't dig deeper. "I just needed someone there. You said you were happy that I had someone."

He was stoic, taking another sip from the glass flexing his hand on his mesh shorts. None of this had been discussed before, therefore she couldn't tell which part he was processing.

"And what Olivia?" HIs eyes remained straight ahead, focusing on the coffee table as if it were staring him down.

"I told you. It was Eli it was-"

"Yeah you said that already and then you stopped."

 _Shit._

"And what Liv?"

He still wouldn't look at her and she didn't know whether to be thankful or pissed. But in the end it didn't matter. Nothing would make having to say _his_ name or admit what happened any easier.

What she _let_ happen. She didn't care what the therapist said or what she told victims everyday. This was different. She was a cop and she should've been able to protect herself.

When her mind took a brief respite from blaming herself, she turned to meet the pair of blue eyes that always saw right through her. Her chest almost caved. And suddenly he was right there. "Tell me."

Now it was her turn to make a decision. If she wanted this, truly wanted this, she was going to have to do the one thing that she accused him of not doing...talk.

Talk about everything.

With her eyes screwed shut, she spoke just above a whisper. "And Harris."

Elliot pivoted, his hand running down his face. The sound of his teeth grinding together made goosebumps form on her skin. With his jaw clenched, he fisted his hands at his sides. "Something happened in the basement didn't it?"

She shook her head.

"Yes."


	6. Chapter 6

**Chapter 6**

He knew it.

He fucking knew it.

Those nights when he would have to stay up with Eli, rocking his restless infant son he thought about that case constantly. In between thoughts of what ifs, could've been, would've been and not feeling truly settled at home, he'd seen how she turned into a shell of herself. At first she was fine, focused on getting justice for Ashley and Risa Tyler but it changed.

 _She_ changed.

His skin was flushed, a damp sheen coating his arms, the cords bulged from his neck as he thought about all the times she was tired and distracted. Her handling of the case with Eric Lutz had proven that she was thinking like a victim. Her objectivity had been compromised. All the signs were right there, but instead of forcing the issue he didn't bring it up. He pushed it down into the abyss of his mind where he kept everything else he refused to deal with. His sick mom, emotionally abusive father, his failures. And it cost him the people he loved most.

It cost him her.

"How could you lie to me?" His voice quivered and was almost unrecognizable. He couldn't see her. All he could make out was the silhouette of her body but he couldn't make out her features. His head throbbed as he willed himself to push out more words. "You told me nothing happened."

It came out harsher than he intended, but he couldn't separate the depth of her confession from his venomous feelings towards Harris. That smug son of a bitch had been right there in his grasp in Warner's office and he had no idea.

 _Fuck._

His head throbbed. Pulse quickened. Closing his eyes, he tried to stop the pain shooting from his head down his face. When he opened them again, he saw her completely. She was still, quiet, watching him as if she was dealing with a caged animal. The second the tear slid down her cheek and she swiped it away, all of his armor disappeared. "C'mere."

Olivia went into his arms with no fight at all. He expected her to push him away, not wanting to expose her vulnerability. Burying his face into her hair, he held her close breathing her in. He couldn't get close enough, the force of his grip almost uncomfortable. It was his job to protect her from people like Harris and when that failed, he couldn't even protect her from the fallout. She deserved more.

She deserved everything.

"He didn't rape me."

At the sounds of the word rape, a gritty sound tore from his throat, his knees nearly buckling.

He wouldn't ask anything more.

He couldn't.

He couldn't be selfish for once.

Not with this.

"Just not right now," she whispered answering his unspoken question. Her fingers curled into his shirt, the tips of her nails massaging his damp skin. Sweat covered his body. The rage was consuming him from the inside out, manifesting itself physically.

"Ok," he rasped. He had to give her this since he had taken so much more. One day she would tell him everything but when they were both emotionally ready for it. It couldn't be while they were knee deep in the trenches of this newfound territory.

Minutes ticked by until he lost track of time as she lay compliant in his arms. While whispering reassurances in her ear his imagination ran wild, and he was powerless to stop it.

Where was Harris now? He could search the databases and find the prison. It wouldn't be hard. Over the years, he made plenty of acquaintances that worked for the prison system. He only needed a couple of minutes with Harris. Then again, he knew some guards who could talk to a few inmates who were serving life sentences. They already had nothing to lose. It would be the perfect-"

"I need to go wash up and change. I'll be right back." Olivia backed away keeping her head down, tucking her hair behind her ears and scurried down the hall.

Everything he wanted to say died on the end of his tongue as she disappeared to her bedroom. How could he have gotten this so wrong over the years? If she closed the door on him and their relationship, she would have every right to. Being her partner and protector was what he prided himself on, but when something that catastrophic happened she dealt with it the way he imagined she dealt with most things…. alone. When her mother died, he was at her side. But as the years wore on and their romantic feelings pulled them together physically, they pushed each other away emotionally.

"Shit," he cursed, dragging himself to sit on the end of the sofa. He picked up the small clock on her mahogany end table.

 _2:34am._

He was tired. Not from the sex or having been up almost twenty four hours straight. His limbs were weak and sore, the gravity of their confessions weighing him down. Looking down at his hands, he flexed them open and shut. He could kill Harris with his bare hands. Nothing would be more satisfying than hearing the crack of his bones beneath his knuckles.

As he sat, the pictures on her nightstand caught his attention. Years ago when she was sick he remembered noticing them, one from early in their partnership and one of her mom. To his surprise both pictures were still there. They were once side by side but now his was pushed further back, nearly unnoticeable behind her lamp. A fitting metaphor to say the least. It would've been easy to believe it was moved because she didn't want David to see it, but Olivia was deeper than that. She always was. Except for the past year, he spent more time with her than anyone else and in so many ways she was still a mystery to him. He picked up the picture, tracing his finger over the innocent smiles they both wore. Everything was easier then.

Even though his feet felt like lead, he stood up, stretched and went to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee. Although it had been two years since he had been to her apartment, he found a sense of comfort from finding the coffee grounds and filters in the same cupboard right above the Black and Decker coffeepot, the sugar still next to it in a small white canister and her coffee mugs in the left cupboard. At least _everything_ hadn't changed.

The pot was almost done brewing when she approached from behind. "Hey."

She looked different; small and vulnerable in a light blue v-neck shirt and grey sweatpants, her damp hair falling in waves past her shoulders. "Making coffee?"

He scratched the scruff forming on his chin. "Yeah, figured we could use some." She gave him a tight smile and he worried that he read the situation wrong. "I mean unless you want to just—talk about this whenever."

Without a doubt he didn't want to leave. Not now, not when they had crossed a hurdle and getting closer to the finish line.

Everyone else be damned. He was done talking about all the wrong things. It wasn't about David, Rebecca, Dani or even Kathy. It was about what they represented. People they had turned to instead of each other.

Olivia looked down, playing with the hem of her shirt. "No it's fine. I want to talk about this now. We've got to figure out—whatever we are going to do."

"I'm sorry for acting jealous before about …shit everyone. "

Olivia cocked her eyebrow. "Acting?"

The edge of his lips curled up. "Ok I'm sorry for being an asshole. You were right," he shrugged, pouring her a cup of coffee. "It doesn't matter."

She shook her head no when he offered her cream and sugar and poured his own coffee. Sneaking a peek over his mug, he watched her stare at the dark liquid not yet bringing it to her lips, tapping her fingers against the porcelain.

"We don't have to talk about Harris. The basement, none of it," he said waiting for her to look at him. "I'm sorry if I came off—angry."

"Good," she said testing the temperature of the coffee and taking a sip. "Because he doesn't matter."

"Yes he does." He screwed his eyes shut, trying to reel himself in.

 _Patience. Patience._

"Not what happened but you not trusting me with it."

"Do you realize how much you were dealing with at that time?" Her coffee spilled at her abrupt hand motions as she slammed the mug on the counter. "You just had a baby. You had your own life to deal with."

He was in her face in a flash, his eyes boring into hers. "You Olivia. You are just as important to me. I needed to be there. I _should've_ been there. I would've kil—"

"And that's my point," she interrupted him, trying to take a step back. "You would've done something, and no longer had your badge, your family or maybe even your freedom. And for what?"

Her steely gazed didn't waver, her shoulders straight.

Elliot chuckled dismissively, shaking his head. She didn't get it. And he was a son of a bitch because he had done a shit job of showing her. "You. For you Liv."

A surprised gasp left her lips and before she had a chance to retreat, he pulled her in his arms. She wiggled a little, but he held both of his arms around hers, his lips lingering on her forehead. "Listen. Just listen. " She stopped and after a moment she relaxed into his chest. "I know I would've done something stupid. And maybe it would've cost me my career or something but I don't think it would've been more than what not being there for you has cost me. You are and always were a priority in my life Liv. And I know I have a shit way of showing it," he said letting out a self deprecating laugh but felt her relax a bit more. "But if we don't figure anything else out tonight, we gotta figure out why we can talk to everyone else but each other when something is wrong. Because if we don't. This…thing. This relationship with us. It won't work."

When he felt her head lean against his chest, he loosened his grip on her arms and felt them encircle his waist. Olivia sighed as he kissed her forehead. "I know I need to let you in Liv but you gotta let me in too."

Olivia remained mum, her arms tightening around him and he couldn't believe there was a time he could ever let go. Even in the midst of tragedy, in his arms always felt like exactly where she belonged.

Her breathing began to even out and she was so still that he wondered if she was falling asleep. "Your coffee is getting cold."

He could feel her smile against his chest. "So is yours."

"You know it may not be safe for us to stay in this kitchen too long." He kissed her forehead. "You remember what happened last time."

Instead of flinching or being embarrassed, she laughed and he felt his heart lighten. "I still can't believe that happened."

Elliot laughed, placing another kiss in her hair. "You definitely shocked me. Not that I'm complaining. As a matter of fact if you want to…"

The sharp edge of her elbow poked his abdomen. "There will be no more of that tonight Stabler." For a moment, she lifted her head looking out at the faint amount of light playing peek a boo with the horizon and then laid back down on his chest. "Well this morning I guess I should say."

"Damn," he cursed in mock disappointment.

She backed away from his hold, picking up her coffee that had cooled off so she could drink it.

"You said I need to let you in," she began, her gaze fixated on the coffee cup. "I want to but you know that's easier said than done. The stuff with Harris…."

Elliot shook his head. "We don't have to talk about that but just know I've been right here Liv. Maybe not the past year but I've been here. I know we don't always agree on everything but you gotta believe me, I will always do what I can to protect you."

With an uneven smile, she looked up at him. "I know."

He nodded his head, taking her hand and walking to the sofa.

They sat, Elliot looking on in wonder at her left hand sandwiched between his. "I know that you talked to my mom."

She froze.

"It was one of her more lucid days and she told me everything that happened."

"Are you mad that I went to see her?"

"A little when she first told me because I didn't want you to know that part of my life."

Olivia looked at him puzzled. "Why? You know everything about my mom."

"I didn't want you look at me differently."

"Do you look at me differently because of my mom's history?"

Elliot huffed. "God no. If anything it makes me respect you more. What you went through…" he trailed off. "I think you're the strongest person I know."

"So why would you think I would think any differently of you?"

He shrugged, bringing their joined hands to his lips as he tried to find the right words. His childhood was one that rivaled Olivia's more than she realized but maybe it would bring some understanding that he struggled to comprehend through the last year. He poured his heart out to Rebecca with his knuckles blooded, his head a mess, his pride bruised. In his mind, he had done everything right but kept losing it all.

"For some reason, I guess I needed you to see me as someone who could protect you. I knew you were alone and I had my family but I wanted to be—," he sighed taking a sip of the cold coffee. "I wanted to protect you and you to think I was stable enough to do that. How could you when I had a mother that was mentally ill, a father who treated me like shit and…verbally abused me more often than not?"

He waited for her to say something and when she didn't he continued. "He cheated on my mom left and right. Didn't come home a lot of the times so we were left to deal with her outbursts and mood swings. When she was good, she was okay…but when she wasn't," he let out a self deprecating laugh. "It was hell."

He took a deep breath and felt her hand on his knee. Instantly he reached for it again. The delicate feel of her skin somehow made the ugliness of what he had to say easier to endure. "I took it upon myself to be the one to bear the brunt of whatever tirade he came home with. I don't think he ever told me he was proud of me. And when he died…I stood by and watched these people give these eulogies of what a great person he was. My mom decided to finally take her medication for the funeral and ate up all the kind words about him. Go figure." He wrapped his arm around her shoulders. The worse the memories got the more he felt like he needed to hold her. "I sat in the living room and thankfully everyone took my blank expression as grief but it was really….relief. I couldn't deal with them both. With him gone at least I just had one parent to deal with. I know it's a shitty thing to—"

"No," she said so quickly that he turned to look at her. "Not at all. I get it. I felt the same way. When my mom died, I was sad and angry but not that she was dead but _how_ she died. Who dies falling down a damn flight of steps because they are drunk?" she snickered sadly. "I couldn't save her. Even though I tried. In a way, I think working in SVU made it harder for her and I struggled with that guilt for a minute. I should've screamed, cried and everything but you know what I did instead?"

He smiled, remembering everyone's shocked expression when she came straight from the wake to the squad room. "You went to work."

"I went to work."

"So did I."

"Really?" she asked surprised.

He nodded his head, laying back against the couch. "Yep. I waited it out a little longer than you though. I at least helped clean up the place and stuff and waited for the last guest to leave. Kissed my mom on the forehead while my sister stayed with her. I acted like I got a call and had to go. I did the same thing when Dickie was acting out and missing, when that whole thing with Kathleen happened," he shrugged. "I just….went to work."

She smiled as she stood up, turning on the main light to the living area. The place looked completely different bathed in the overhead light. He squinted, adjusting his eyesight. "It's amazing how even with the kind of work we do it somehow made me forget what happened and seemed better than dealing with…that."

As she sat back down, she scooted right into him, her shoulders rubbing against his. "It's easier to fight the demons you don't know than the ones you know and live with everyday," she said as she intertwined their arms and laid on his shoulder.

"I think that's where I got my fucked up savior complex from. Wanting to save everyone. I couldn't save the people I love, so maybe I can save someone else."

She swallowed and closed her eyes. "And me?"

"I never wanted to save you Liv. Protect you maybe but not save you."

Olivia sighed in relief. "I guess we want to give them the peace we could never find ourselves."

"Mhmm."

She understood him more than anyone. So much lost time, opportunities. But it could be different now.

Her lips skimmed his neck before giving him a chaste kiss on the cheek. His body reacted, but not sexually. This was more. This was the intimacy with her he craved, the closeness he prayed for. There were more stories to tell, more things they had to learn about each other but it didn't have to be tonight.

There was time.

And he couldn't be more grateful for that.

* * *

 **A/N:** Only one more chapter left and this one is done. Thanks for all your support with this story and your patience between the delays in posting. Work is a bit crazy right now but I'm trying my hardest :)


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note:** We have come to the end of this story. Thanks to all who have read and/or reviewed this story, it is much appreciated. This will be my last fanfic for awhile. I'm going to take a hiatus to work on some original projects. It's been a blast writing for you all and interacting with you on here, Twitter and IG.

* * *

The walls of her apartment felt less stifling, the atmosphere becoming more light with each of their confessions. As he talked, Olivia turned into him, relaxing into the hard ridges of his body. They sat perfectly nestled in the cushions of her sofa. It was chilly, but being in his arms, bathed in the promise of what was ahead, provided all the warmth she needed.

Elliot's past had been a shadow looming over their partnership for years. Despite confronting him years ago about his mother, she never took into account his tumultuous past with his father. There were elements of his behavior that made more sense now that she had a glimpse into their interactions, but there was more to learn. And just as she had promised him about Harris, those stories wouldn't come tonight. She felt more confident that he would open up, but it wasn't going to be easy. People don't change overnight. Especially not those as stubborn as her and Elliot.

For years she hid behind the veil of her mom's struggles while marching directly into the darkness, attempting to right the wrongs that left her mom's life spiraling into alcoholism. And Elliot had done the same, but for different reasons.

Olivia was done kidding herself. As much as it pained her to admit it, she needed this. She needed him. But she feared with their frazzled histories, they had the potential to make a great relationship or become an epic failure that would leave them out of each other's lives forever.

Swallowing back the lump in her throat, she voiced her concern. "If this doesn't work El, could we still be friends?" That's what mattered more than anything. They barely survived the end of their partnership as Benson and Stabler. If they couldn't survive as Olivia and Elliot in this romantic conundrum they created, could they still be in each other's lives regardless?

He took a breath preparing to speak but only a sigh came out. Olivia looked up at him and saw his eyes closed, his jaw clenching before letting out a shaky breath. "My first instinct is to say yes."

"But?"

Staring down at her, he kissed her forehead. "I know you wouldn't believe me. Wouldn't believe that it could be that simple."

Leaning into his chest, she inhaled his scent, surprised at how much Simon's shirt already smelled like him. "You're right I wouldn't because we haven't been friends this past year."

"But haven't we?"

She rolled her eyes. "We haven't talked in a year."

Elliot placed his index finger under her chin so she could look at him. "Just because we didn't talk doesn't mean we weren't friends Liv."

"You don't think so?"

"No. I'm sure you have friends you don't talk to everyday, because of the job or just... life."

She didn't answer, choosing not to state the obvious that the silence wasn't by choice. At least not hers. They had already been down that road.

"You're the closest person in my life. Always have been since the first day we met. I know it was hard for you to see that." He rubbed his forehead, staring at the ceiling. "I've always thought you understood me better than anyone else."

"I thought that too...I mean I still think that," she corrected herself.

"Good."

"Ok." She sat up with her back straightened, fidgeting with her hands in her lap. "So no matter how bad we screw this up, we remain friends?"

Elliot chuckled, closing the small amount of distance she had just put between them. "Why do you assume we will screw it up?"

Because I find a way to screw up every relationship I'm in and so do you.

"Have you ever been in a relationship that wasn't screwed up?"

Elliot thought a minute. "Yes I have."

Olivia watched closely, muscles tensed waiting on another confession. They hadn't talked about his romantic life over the last year and there had been more than enough talk of past lovers. She mentally braced herself for whatever he was going to say.

"My marriage. I'm talking about Kathy," he said rubbing his thumb across her knuckles before taking her hand in his. "Our marriage didn't last and we certainly had our battles, but when it's all said and done, her and I are friends. We still sit and talk and not just about the kids. We made it more than 20 years, raised five children and manage to still actually like each other. That's not a failure."

She smiled, squeezing his hand. They had sex twice and the simple act of intertwining his fingers in hers still seemed unbelievable. She was learning every inch of him, something she hadn't taken the time to do the first or second time they had sex. "No El, you're right. It's not a failure but—"

Elliot placed his finger on her lips. "No buts. No matter what, we stay friends. We've been through more together than—shit." He scratched the side of his head, chuckling softly. "We've been through hell and back. Gunshots, suspensions, the stuff with my mom, your brother. I'm surprised we even got to keep our shields."

She had to laugh at that one herself remembering all the times they covered for each other without a second thought.

"So," she took his both of his hands in hers, massaging each knuckle, crease, callous. "What do we now?"

Elliot cooked his eyebrow, a sly grin on his face. "Well…"

"No," she tried unsuccessfully to hide her laughter. "We've done enough of that."

"I don't think there can ever be enough of that."

Her skin flushed at the memory of the way he possessed every part of her body. Leaning into his shoulder, she hid the blush that crept into her cheeks. There she was with Elliot Stabler feeling like a giddy school girl. The looming conversation about Harris and other painful memories evaporated among the thoughts of what lay ahead.

"We've always turned to other people when things got rough. Can we say that will change now?"

Elliot sighed. "We can say that we are going to try like hell. That's all we can do."

Olivia nodded, a smile creeping on her lips. Before it could fully manifest, she leaned over, crashing her lips against his, tentatively sealing their agreement with a kiss. His lips parted, about to deepen the kiss when her phone buzzed.

Elliot groaned. "You've got to be kidding me." He looked at his watch, rubbing his forehead. "It's almost 4 in the morning."

Olivia broke away, groaning at the interruption. "You did this for years, you know the deal." She picked up the phone realizing it was a text message and not a call.

"Everything ok?" Elliot sat up, mirroring her posture preparing himself to have to leave.

She typed a response and sat the phone back down, placing a quick kiss on his lips. "That was just Nick saying we have to be in for 7am. DA wants to go over something with the case."

Elliot nodded, biting his lip. "So Nick, that's your new partner hunh?"

Olivia sighed, clasping her hands in her lap. "Yeah. We've had our bumps in the road, in fact he isn't too happy with me right now."

He got ready to open his mouth and ask questions but she held up her hand to stop him. "It's a long story and not one I want to talk about right now."

He let it go. "So what's it like? Having a new partner."

Olivia tilted her head side to side, biting the inside of her cheek. The beginning of her partnership with Nick was rough to say the least. She was struggling with Elliot's departure and having to start over with not one but two new detectives that she was expected to train. Cragen had forced her to let go of Elliot and accept that he wasn't coming back. It had all been too much.

"It's….different. It was hard at first. I never pictured myself partnered with anyone but you," she said standing up and walking to the kitchen to dispose of their coffee mugs.

"I get it," he spoke up, his forehead wrinkling. "I don't think I could do it anymore with anyone else. Trading off between Fin and Munch every once in a while was one thing but…I couldn't trust anyone else other than you to watch my six."

She breathed in deeply, absorbing his words. It was exactly what she felt when she had to empty his desk. "When Cragen made me clean out your desk," she began, a chill running through her body reliving the painful memory. "I thought I was going to fall apart. Your pictures, your files, everything it was like living through our partnership one item at a time."

"Liv—"

"I couldn't believe it was over," she continued. "Fin stood near me, I guess worried that I would break down right there in the middle of the squad room. But it was fine, I had already taken care of the crying in the interrogation room."

He was at her side in a moment. No apologies, no words, just holding her close. He said he was sorry a thousand times. It wouldn't change anything, it wouldn't take away the sting of his decision to say goodbye without warning.

The entire time they were partners, she had never been shot. It was a running joke between their old team. Somehow she had always dodged a bullet but she was sure that losing her partner was far more painful than any bullet she could've ever taken.

Munch had gone through partners through the years and tried to comfort her during that time with playful anecdotes of his carousel of coworkers. She appreciated his effort to make her feel better but nothing helped. There was nothing that could ease the pain of losing what her and Elliot shared.

"So he's a good partner?" Elliot asked.

Her arms squeezed around his waist, her fingers playing a pattern on his lower back. "Yeah he is. He reminds me of you a little bit. Catholic family man with a short temper but I trust him. It took awhile to get there but I do trust him."

"That's good. His wife being overseas can't be easy though."

Olivia jerked back, looking into his eyes, her eyebrows furrowed. Elliot shrugged his shoulders, a smirk on his face.

"You checked him out? Of course you did," she said walking out of his hold.

"I just had to know," he explained. "You understand that right?"

She sighed, "Yeah I understand." She would've done the same if she heard that he had a new partner.

Olivia stretched and yawned, stepping back into his arms. Elliot rubbed her back gently. "Come on let's get you to bed."

She chuckled. "Nice try Stabler."

He laughed heartily and slapped her on the ass. "Ow."

"I actually meant to sleep," he said suddenly growing serious. "This isn't about just sex for me Olivia. I hope you know that."

Touching her forehead to his, she took a deep breath reveling in the moment. If she believed anything he said tonight, it was definitely that statement. "I know that," she whispered. "You never have to tell me that."

"Good." He kissed her forehead quickly, taking her hand and leading her to the bedroom.

The floor creaked beneath them, the room still somewhat disheveled from their activities earlier. Her sheets were pulled back, the covers ruffled. Although her floor wasn't as wet as before, she was careful not to slip, using it as an excuse to hold Elliot's hand tighter.

Elliot smoothed out the comforter before pulling it back signaling for her to hop in. She stood for a moment, contemplating. She would have to be at work in a few hours anyway and didn't want to waste one minute. The past year seemed to pass in slow motion. Each day got a little easier in some ways and harder in others.

"I have an idea," she said walking to her closet instead. Satisfied with a navy blue sweatshirt for herself and rummaged through the back of the closet to find some sweatpants for him.

Elliot watched her silently as she threw the pants at him. "Here put those on."

"It's not that cold in here."

"I know," she said pulling out her running shoes and sitting on the bed to lace them up. "Let's go out, to that diner we went to all the time. It's open all night."

Elliot nodded, a cautious smile on his face. "Have you been there since…?"

Olivia pulled her hair back in a ponytail. "Once with Fin. Grabbed something and left. Didn't feel right to sit in there without you y'know?"

"Yeah."

They were walking towards the door when she stopped suddenly, turning around to stare at him.

He was there.

He was really there.

Elliot was pulling on his damp jacket, shaking off the residual rain drops around the collar, when he saw her watching him. His eyes instantly softened.

"Hey." His hand cupped her cheek, the edge of his mouth curling up. He kissed her again. It was chaste at first until her tongue parted his lips, still getting used to having him like this.

She moaned as he pulled away. "You hungry?"

Elliot shrugged. "A little."

"We don't have to go," she offered.

Elliot groaned, shaking his head as if he was at war with himself. "Yes we do," he said zipping up his jacket. "We can't stay here any longer, trust me."

She grabbed her keys and struggled to hold back her laughter as he shuffled them out the door. There was no need to question why they couldn't stay. This was their new reality, balancing the emotional and physical part of their relationship.

They walked in comfortable silence to the elevator. As the door shut, the tension crackled between them. Needing to touch him, she reached for his hand, lacing her fingers between his. She didn't need to look up to see the smile on his face. It felt familiar, normal, just like home. Like the final piece she had been missing had fallen into place.

They managed to maneuver through the door of her building, never letting go of each other.

"Do you want to grab a cab?" she offered hoping to give him some relief from the chilly weather.

Elliot shook his head, surprising her by kissing their joined hands. "Nah, let's walk."

Olivia grinned as they began to walk the ten blocks to the diner.

"So," Elliot began. "Tell me more about your new squad."

She laughed, rolling her eyes. "As if you don't already know."

"I just know names and a few things, tell me the rest."

"Ok fine, there's Nick which you know about, and then Amanda Rollins. Comes from Georgia. Smart, feisty, a little overzealous…"

She continued to tell him all about the new dynamic in the squad room and Munch and Fin's shenanigans as they took a seat in the diner.

Their favorite waiter Al was still there, giving them a simple nod as they walked in and found their usual table in the back corner. There were a few stragglers near the front sipping coffee and looking at the newspaper. An older man and woman she assumed was a couple, sat a few booths away engaged in what seemed like too serious of a conversation for that early in the morning.

When they were partners, she would try and figure out the story behind the people at each table who were there eating and lingering in the middle of the night. It was a welcome distraction as her and Elliot would sit across from each other in silence trying to chase away the ghosts of a crime scene they had just left. For once, she felt like they blended in with the rest of the patrons there as the conversation between them continued to flow.

Olivia was entranced watching him talk, his hands moving as he went on about his kids and their antics that kept him on his toes. She hadn't seen him this animated since a few years ago when he told her about his days in the Marines. The early dawn transformed into full sunlight illuminating their faces as they continued to talk, rediscovering each other.

Olivia looked down at her watch as more people started to pour in. "Damn. I gotta go home and change before I meet Nick." She stared down at the grey metal table wishing she had more time but this was life. There was always going to be these interruptions.

Sensing her unease, Elliot took another sip of his coffee, threw a few bills on the table and held his hand out to take hers. Smiling, she took it, walking slowly to try and postpone the inevitable.

"My clothes are still at your house," Elliot said while buttoning his jacket.

Olivia smirked. "Guess you have to come over later and get it."

His blue eyes lit up and suddenly she felt like a woman who had just had an excellent first date and wasn't sure how she wanted it to end. He squeezed her hand tighter, his face turning more serious. "Guess so."

Neither wanted to let go.

Impatient people dodged them as they stood near the entrance, the ring of the bell on the door pulling her back to the present. "I better get going," she said finally letting go of him. The cold hit her palm instantly leaving her with an empty feeling.

"Ok." Elliot hesitated as his face moved closer to hers. She closed the rest of the distance, giving him a quick kiss on the lips.

"Aren't you gonna go?" He asked as she stood in place.

She shook her head. "No. I want you to walk away first."

Elliot tilted his head in confusion.

"Trust me."

Words were on the edge of his lip but he held his tongue and slowly walked away. Every few steps he turned around to see if she was still watching and she was. She didn't want to explain to him that she needed to see him walk away knowing this time without a doubt that she would see him again.

It wasn't forgetting.

It was forgiving.

It wasn't goodbye.

It was see you later.

It wasn't the end.

It was just the beginning.

{end}


End file.
